Reckless Abandon

And that's the end of that.

2012-01-06T02:22:00.001-05:00

Well... I've done something that I've been saying I was going to do for the past, like, two years. You will find that my notes on how Love & Tears was going to end are now available.

I also tweaked the appearance of that story page, and while I of course love the way it turned out, I'm a little disappointed, as that's close to the look I was aiming for on a different story, so now I'll have to improvise with the other one. Grr.

Anyway, that's really all that I have to add here, formally.

Here's a little dose of excitement for you: I am about halfway through a new chapter of Build My World! I know! This section ended on a pretty good closing spot, and I'm half tempted to just say this is a full chapter, but it only covers one event and it's a dismal one, not to mention only being about half the length of all my other chapters. I threw together maybe a paragraph or two on TA: Selfish, but, eh. No real hope on that one just yet. Also, I have also started a new project, it is a work of complete and total fiction, no fanfic whatsoever. I really love the story line and the particularly the plot twist. Finished the first chapter and a portion of the second. Like the way it's coming together. Now it's just a matter of staying focused on it.

Right now I have a lot of time to get work done, as my department at work is changing and I literally have no work to do. It's very nice not to have any accounts to follow up on, and it's awesome to spend eight hours getting paid to write and to do some reading. I also have three people at work that I've told all about the story, and they're there to pester me about it. The three of them proofread the first chapter for me, and they all found a different typo, which made me laugh. Anyway... enjoy my new year's gift of the Love & Tears notes, and continued to stay tuned for me.

♥

Trying to get it back...

2011-12-06T05:20:00.001-05:00

So I have made the official decision to revamp everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Each story page is getting a new layout, maybe even a new color scheme.

I will be enlisting the help of Veronica to redo the main story images. I've got some ideas sketched up already of what the pages are going to look like, next step is figuring out what I want the images to look like.

In the meantime, you can all thank Mrs. Natalia Jordan for making me get off my butt and make some changes to the site. Don't think I forgot, Mrs. Jordan!

It's not much, but it's a little something. I know it's not original, Sims Christmas redux. But it is the new permanent layout screen. I expect it will be much easier to maintain changing it up on a more regular basis like this. I may deviate from time to time, but this is where I expect it to stay for awhile.

What IS new with this update: Check out the story list page. Organized it a little differently. Also, each short story now has a little bit of a new look.

The about page links back to the Facebook page, check out some new pictures I posted. Let me know if the link doesn't work.

Now, it's 5:21am and I should probably go to sleep. Instead, I'm going to re-watch the Walking Dead finale and then probably an episode of Prison Break. I'm re-watching the last season, because I know I missed a lot of stuff last time.

Have a great holiday!

It never gets any easier...

2011-09-05T00:03:00.002-04:00

So... of course there's really not a whole lot of new info to tell you.
No, I haven't finished a new layout, no I don't have anything new written.

My main personal blog can now be found: Melissa: half the sugar twice the spice
And you can find my articles and all kind of social commentary here: Crazy-ass World // Melissa Limasse

Other than that, the majority of my fiction writing is now focused on at: Riverside, and based on my Popmundo experience.

However, I have been thinking about what kind of motivation I need to get to work. The one thing that occurred to me is revamping Build My World so that the beginning takes place after JC has already gone solo, and possibly changing Malinda and Laurel to football fans, since the hockey thing is already in Together Again.

Then, I think I'm going to be realistic and admit to myself that side projects like Zachary & Maple and Redemption will not be finished. Same with Love & Tears. It's over. The fat lady has been singing for years. When I have the chance, I will scan my notes, so that I can at least share with the world where it was supposed to go.

I think that's really all I have for now. Just those thought that have been trolling about in my head. In the meantime, enjoy my personal drama.

Relocation...

2011-06-26T20:18:00.001-04:00

So I've decided to keep this blog sinple, with only Reckless Abandon - related information.

But, you can find my personal blog here:
http://malibu37.wordpress.com/

Bitchy

2011-06-18T01:15:00.002-04:00

I think I might need to start taking my life in a different direction. Just when I thought things were starting to settle in, they go all ridiculous. Seriously. Is it too much to ask just have all the ducks in a row for even a little bit?

It must be... because...

Things are finally - finally - going extremely well for me in my love life. I've met someone who actually makes me happy. When funny things happen to me, or around me, he's the first person I want to tell. When something shitty happens to me, he's the person I run to to make it go away. Someone asked me if I could picture the rest of my life with him. Well, my jaded ass can't even picture the rest of my day with anyone, let alone the rest of my life. But the difference is, I want to see him every day. And you know me and my normal lack of desire to see a guy ever day. If I can't see him, I at least want to talk to him. That's a really big deal to me. I'm completely comfortable and myself around him, and he's easily one of my best friends. It's great.

So of course, since that is going so well, everything else, inexplicably must fall apart. The Cult, which has been good to me for over a year, has turned on me with a vengeance. In the last week alone, everything I do is called into question, to the extent of both implied and actual discipline. Are you freaking kidding me right now? I can't even breathe without it somehow going against the rules. It all seems to have started when I was seen having a personal conversation with someone much higher up on the food chain than myself. I was simply being a thoughtful human being and asking after this person's spouse and children. Because this person has mentioned the aforementioned spouse and children in prior gatherings, I was just enquiring as to their well-being. Apparently this is a venial sin, because I was told that I was not be bothering such important people. I mean that, literally. "They are busy people, they have planes to catch." Wow. Okay. This has now led to my being picked apart for greater offenses. So, in the past week I've been accused of mortal sin after mortal sin.

Well guess what? If I feel I need to move on, I will move on. I don't want to. I have a history of longevity, my goal is to stick around until I find my own niche there, but if the intent is to close the walls so tightly around me that my only option is to escape, I'll do it.

Anyway, that being said. I'm exhausted. I have a bottle of Moscato that I may delve into, and some cherry vodka that I may mix with Sierra Mist. I'm going to spend the next 45-60 seconds deciding which one will tast better, and enjoy it while watching Ramona & Beezus. If it sucks, I'm going to be even more pissed off.

On second thought, in case it does suck, I'll save it for another day. Instead I will entertain myself with That 70's Show reruns.

Good night.

Completely insignificant, but every little bit helps... right?

2011-05-29T08:31:00.002-04:00

So, while I haven't written anything about anything in quite some time... I thought I would get back into Build My World for a little bit, but then as it turns out, I chose to take this next chapter in a slightly different direction than the original plan. Also, I found a lot of my notes where I'd written out whole scenes and just didn't know what to do with them yet... well, now I know what I can do with them. Turns out there's a middle section that I didn't expect until at least 4 chapters out from this point, but can easily come up in the next one or two. Woo! At least I have a plan. That's really all that matters.

I'm changing a lot of the songs on the music player... trying to give more of a feel of what I actually listen to, versus songs I think are cool for a few weeks. I think once I update that, a new layout will follow, which will entice me to work a little harder on the writing.

Also, for those of you who caught the status update on the Reckless Abandon facebook page, there is some new inspiration in my life. That's right, Melissa has herself a new man. And not just any man. One that she can actually refer to as "my boyfriend" and not choke on the words as they come out. We had the talk on what a huge commitmentphobe I am, but even as I explained my tendency to run away, I knew that I probably wouldn't. I really like him. I smile when I say his name. It's been just about a month so far, and I'm loving every second of it.

The key is now to see how that will translate into JC's actions. Or Isaac's. Or... cliffhanger alert, maybe a different character?

For now I'm off to finish editing music, then if the sun holds up, beach bumming it all day. Enjoy the rest of your weekends!

Important Women's Health Issue

2010-11-29T23:34:00.002-05:00

Important Women's Health Issue:

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke

WARNINGS:
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

.... and I don't wanna swim

2010-08-08T14:02:00.002-04:00

Rules:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Tag 20 friends, including me
5. Everyone tagged has to do the same thing.
6. Have Fun!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY?' YOU SAY?
Morning Moon (Tragically Hip)

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Antisaint (Chevelle)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Locked in the Trunk of a Car (Tragically Hip) HAHAHA!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Do You Wanna Touch Me (Joan Jett)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Hollywood Dream (The Runaways)

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Monkey Wrench (Foo Fighters)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Camaro (Kings of Leon)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
If You're Wondering if I want You To, I Want You To (Weezer)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Apple Blossom (The White Stripes)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Overdrive (Foo Fighters)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Dazed & Confused (Led Zeppelin)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Pardon Me (Incubus)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
I Love Rock & Roll (Joan Jett) Well, that's a given.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Who Invited You (The Donnas)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Ain't No Rest For the Wicked (Cage the Elephant)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Comfortably Numb (Pink Floyd)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Another Know It All (Chevelle) Oh, that's no secret

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
What Do You Want From Me? (Pink Floyd) That made me laugh.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
All You Ever Wanted (The Black Keys) Awww

WHAT DOES YOUR LOVE THINK ABOUT YOU?
Keep Me (The Black Keys)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
New Orleans is Sinking (Tragically Hip)

I guess it's pretty obvious the bands from which I possess the most music.

"She knew just what I needed. Practice boobs."

2010-05-16T05:43:00.003-04:00

How much am I in love with the fact that Daria is on for 3 or 4 hours straight every morning? And that it's out on DVD? I will be purchasing that, asap.
By the way, did you know that the woman who did the voice of Jane also did Quinn and Mrs. Morgendorffer?

I'm pretending to be productive today, when it's really not happening. It's certainly not helping that at 5:49am I can't even force myself to fall asleep. There's a slight possibility that the constant intake of chicken wing dip I keep gorging on has a mild effect on it. I'm addicted. Went through an entire box of Triscuits today. And one yesterday. *hangs head in shame*

So last night involved a trip to the Hard Rock Cafe to see Jeremy Hoyle Band/Strictly Hip, whoever they were performing as. It was great, definitely a fantastic place for a show. Josepp and myself then wandered around the Falls so I could sober up to drive home. That was an interesting adventure. There was streaking and humping.

Not by us.

We were witnesses.

There was, however, urinating, not to mention walking right in the middle of the riverbed. That part was very cool. I don't think I've ever seen Three Sisters Islands, and in the dark, they're twice as cool. Of course, the misty air did nothing for my hair, so I guess it's a good thing it was a) dark and were were b) headed home.

I would really like to purchase the turtle shaped building, however. Great place for parties!

My eyelids are starting to feel a bit weighty, so maybe it's time to lay down.

I love how hilarious this show is.
"Quinn is just so deep, she thinks we would say something's cute when it's not cute which we wouldn't."

I'm getting a little tired of the preview for Degrassi playing during every commercial break. I realize they only advertise other TeenNick shows, as well as ProActiv and all those lame "find your true love, text ---- to #####" and "free ringtones, text #### with the song title", and all those things cost $19.99 a month, but can we show previews for anything else? I feel like I've already watched it at this point.

I do want one of these vacuum bag things though. Of course, I would get carried away and store EVERYTHING every day with them. I could probably get rid of both dressers, just keep everything in the closet, and have so much more room.

Alright... It's time to pretend to sleep. I'm still trying to get myself on a normal sleep schedule. Normal for me, anyway. Sleep from 3-9, or even 4-10 would be perfect. But this 8-3 thing I've had going on is really not working for me.
Ciao!

Well that’s a pathetic thought…

2010-04-28T05:09:00.002-04:00

So I’m watching Prom Night for maybe the 5th time in 3 days, which, by the way, is by far the worst movie I’ve ever seen. But, when it comes right down to it, around 4 am there aren’t many other options. Theoretically, I could watch all the stuff that’s piling up on my DVR, but most of it is something I actually want to pay attention to, and the appeal to Prom Night is that it can just play in the background without my paying it any attention, and it’s still just as good as if I were really watching it.

Is it possible to become dependent on vitamins? I recently started taking Women’s One a Day, and I haven’t taken vitamins since my Flintstone Days of like 1987 or something, and I forgot to take them the past couple days, and I feel like hell. I was so run-down today that I felt a combo of hungover, drunk, sick, and something else. I kept spacing out when I was talking to customers, completely lost track of my thoughts constantly. Thank God I had my mentee to repeat to me what the customer just said and what I was even talking about. It was bad. So… is it possible that while I was bombarding my system with over 650% of my daily intake of Vitamin B each day and then suddenly not getting any Vitamin B at all, it caused me to crash? Not to mention the 100% of folic acid, Vitamin C, and Iron, and 200% of D. God knows it’s not like I eat right, and again, haven’t taken vitamins in some 20 years, so maybe for these two and a half weeks of suddenly pumping my system back up got me to a healthy level, and then it was like yanking the rug out from under my feet? I think it’s time for me to go on my 3-day V-fusion juice diet. Combine that and the One-A-Day, to get all those other necessary nutrients, and I’ll be awesome. It’s funny, because the first time I did the juice diet, on the first day I could have committed murder for some carbs or some meat. Day 2 was a little tricky. But on Day 3, I felt so good that I probably could have gone for a whole month on just the juice. Definitely need to try that again.

Now I’m getting hungry spending all this time talking about not eating, ugh.

I could really go for some cookie dough or something right now.

And I’m moving on to watch Parenthood now. That’s something I can have running in the background and still follow. Even though I still feel like it’s just a revamp of Gilmore Girls.

So I’ve been giving some thought to my constant Erik dilemma, and surprise surprise, I find myself missing him constantly. I can’t keep doing this to myself. It makes me sick to my stomach. I need to meet someone new – ASAP – in whom I find something appealing. I don’t necessarily believe in that whole bullshit of you never get over someone until you find someone else, because you can find yourself missing an ex from like, 4 relationships ago, so clearly finding someone else didn’t work, and frankly,. It’s unhealthy to even think that you spend your entire life being consumed with either being with someone or missing someone. It’s disgusting. But I definitely need a distraction. Maybe that’s the problem in the first place, that the whole experience with Erik was never healthy. Okay that’s a lie, because on one hand, it was. He was definitely the only one I ever felt completely okay talking to about the whole baby thing, and he always knew what to say. I don’t know what wrong with me. Maybe it’s just because he’s finally becoming the man I always knew he had it in him to be, so he’s become that much more attractive to me? Grr. I need to move.

I’ve switched to the History Channel special, America: The Story of Us, which is cool. This is the US History stuff that I love, and always kicked ass at in school, everything from 1600 to about 1900. After that, I always fuck it up or have no interest. Especially from, say, 1930 on. That stuff doesn’t feel like history to me, mostly because I’ve spent the past 11 years surrounded by people who were alive then. But the revolutionary era, fascinates me. That, and everything leading up to the Civil War. Then those next 40-50 years or so are sort of interesting to me, but not as cool as the events leading up to it. Anyway, the series is sponsored by Bank of America, and they make sure to advertise it constantly. There was a brief mention about the founding of Bank of Massachusetts - by the way, I need to thank Paul Revere and John Hancock for my job – and then it went on to say something in passing about how it’s now Bank of America. Furthermore, at every commercial break, it goes through this whole history of the bank. It’s starting to get really old. Oh, and funny story, I called a guy today who lives like 6 doors down and across the street from my brother. Talk about a small world. It was kind of cool though. Need to get out there and visit soon.

The guy playing John Rolfe in this series is pretty hot. Haha. Yeah, I said it. And Christian Bale played him in [i]The New World[/i], another hottie (ironic side note: Christian Bale did the voice of a character in Disney’s Pocahontas, only to go on to play the man who marries here. Also, I’m still calling dibs on that man, since I fell in lurve with him back in something like ’91 when he sang and danced in Newsies. :) Hmm… maybe that’s a DVD to put in next), so I’m going on a limb here and saying that John Rolfe may be the hottest man in history. I wouldn’t kick Andrew Jackson out of bed either, but that’s more due to his personality. Did you know that he’s the reason the Democratic party is represented by the donkey? His opposers, back when he was running for political office, called him a jackass, and he retaliated by adopting the symbol. That’s my kind of guy.

Why am I talking about sexing up historical figures? Christ I need to go to bed.

But alas, I cannot for at least another hour or so. I need to check on my label’s record sales in Popmundo. Yes, I said Popmundo. It’s become a bit of a priority as of late. Trying to plan a world tour for 3 different bands is a bitch. Especially when half of the clubs don’t want to invite one of the bands because they don’t play the same genre of music. This is why I wanted to work with a chain that had clubs in all the cities, but alas, the guy we used on the last tour sold off all his clubs.

I keep seeing all these great commercials for cruises, and they’re making me crazy. I want to go on another cruise, like, this weekend. Tomorrow, even. That was the best vacation of my life. I need to be in the ocean as soon as humanly possible. Lake Erie, in all its brown and gray glory, is just not doing it for me anymore. I need to be in the water, and just stay there all day. I’m frantic about it. But of course, in a time span of 5 months, I have 3 different groups of people wanting to go on 3 different vacations. Charlene’s trying to plan a cruise, Liz wants to go to Thailand, and my extended family is trying to go to Turks & Caicos.

And a quick update on something I've been working on for the past hour... I have a date Friday evening or Saturday afternoon :)

I’ve got to stop staying up so late. I think I’ll turn in now. Ciao!

Taking a turn...

2010-04-27T05:52:00.000-04:00

So I made a Facebook page for RA, that you can become a fan of… or, as per new Facebook ideas, “like” Reckless Abandon (lame, yes I know). I figure that’s a much better way for me to keep in touch with people, because frankly, I doubt anyone comes to the site any more, and why should you? However, with this handy new feature, whenever I made a significant update to the site, I can let you all know via Facebook and then you can check it out

Other than that, here go the updates on the personal news front:

My professional life has taken a very nice turn, I currently work as a Home Retention Associate at Bank of America, where I provide customer service to those with existing mortgages, as well as get people to pay me. I finally - finally - finally have a resignation date set at the nursing home. It was a great 11 years there, but it was seriously taking a toll on my health and mental well-being. This Friday (the 30th) is my last day

So, with those two life events, I now have my days almost completely free again, which means that I have a little more free time, which could lead to more writing, but I’m surely not promising that.

Other than that, the love life is... well, annoying me. Erik and I are done for good, I'm done dealing with his crap, I can't do it anymore, and it's just not fair to me anyway. So for my own emotional safety, I walked away. There was this boy at work, (I say boy because he's only 21 or 22) that I would be interested in having a little fun with this summer, because that's all I can deal with right now, but he was starting to get on my nerves, and actually, was just let go, so I guess that situation gets an “oh well”. There are currently no other decent men prospects anywhere, so it's just boys and fun for now. We'll see how things go.

Become a fan!

2010-04-23T02:07:00.002-04:00

This blog has moved

2010-03-31T02:51:00.001-04:00

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I Caught Myself

2010-03-31T02:35:00.002-04:00

I always liked this song anyway, but as of recently, it’s definitely something that fits into my life. This is currently exactly how I feel about that arrogant, lying, two-face fucker Erik. I know I've said a million and one times that I'm done, but a conversation we had a few weeks ago made me want to give things a second looks, but... well, he always proves that my initial reactions are usually right. I especially love when he drags other people into his bullshit. So, sir, if you even let yourself think for one motherfucking second that you will be given even half an ounce of another chance, you should go find someone to nail you with an aluminum baseball bat in the dick. Thank you very much.

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me
down to you
But I don't know what I...

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you...
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

You got it, you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic, hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this, I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness…

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you

Of you...
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought
Now when I caught myself, I had to stop myself
From saying something that I should have never thought of you
I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I knew, but now I know what I want
I want
I want
Oh no, I should have never thought!

I Caught Myself - Paramore

2009 Wrap-Up

2010-01-04T00:06:00.003-05:00

I realize I'm a few days later than planned with this, but, get over it.

1) Where did you begin 2009?
At Macaroon's with Suckerpunch

2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Single

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Hell to the nah-nah

4) How did you earn your money?
On my knees while Harris Hill Nursing Facility took me from behind up the pooper

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?
No. Yes? No, the sprained toe was 2008 I think.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Nope, surprisingly. Now, there's one 'encounter' with a cop I'd like to have, but alas, that's for another life

7) Where did you go on holiday?
Phoenix )

8) What did you purchase that was over $500?
Um.... nada

9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Dani

10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
A whole bunch of residents, my great-uncle Tommy, and... well, a part of Dani.

11) Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Um... no? I dunno.

12) Did you move anywhere?
Nope

13) What sporting events did you go to?
Sabres game, Bills game

14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
Kings of Leon for the win

15) Are you registered to vote?
Yes

16) Who did you want to win Tila Tequila?
Someone who will subsequently murder her

17) Where do you live now?.
In mah house

18) Describe your birthday.
Friday - had a fantabulous evening with Val, Joe, Sara, and Poz, went to see Jeremy Hoyle Band. Heckled Jeremy and got heckled back. Told Frank that he should sleep with me. Did cartwheels in the parking lot. Saturday - got stood up by EV-E-RY-ONE. Sunday - Bills game with my dad. Tailgating with my brother, cousin, and friends. Poz was injured. Bills won. Scratch that, Bills annihilated the Bucs. Monday - actual birthday. Worked (it's all about that double time, cuz once you've been employed x year, your birthday and your date of hire becomes a holiday. I have no idea how many years that is, because I have far surpassed allllll the x amt of years requirements for everything). Came home to cake and ice cream. And damnit, if I don't get funfetti cake with vanilla frosting dyed purple before I'm 30, I'm boycotting the cake. That is all.

19) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2009?
Admitted to Erik that he made me cry.

20) What has been your favorite moment?
Way too many to name them all. The night of the Vampire Ball; getting to see my new niece during the first month of her life (as opposed to not until she was 3 like my oldest one); hell, go all the way back to Jan 3, meeting Ashton; what else? almost every night hanging out with Joe; Halloween with Teeny was a good night; two nights of New Moon with Teeny; Kings of Leon in Toronto; anytime Sara came up; probably one or two moments at work.

21.) What's something you learned about yourself?
Uh...that leaving my job will be beneficial to my physical and mental health, and that nepotism will apparently always - always - win in the end.

22.) Any new additions to your family?
my niece Myla

23.) What was your best month?
August. Also my brokest month, but the one I had the most fun in.

24.) What music will you remember 2009 by?
Kings of Leon, Halestorm

25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Joe?

26) Made new friends?
Teeny? Cuz I think we just met at the beginning of this year?

27) Best new friend?
Clearly I'm going with Teeny on this

28) Favorite Night out?
Any night out. I've been blessed with having the kind of personality and great friends that don't allow any night to suck.

29) Any regrets?
Not slicing Erik's balls off when I had the chance. But other than that, nope

30) How many girlfriends/boyfriends have you had?
Other than my own?

31) Any memorable kisses?
There are definitely a few that are memorable, but more for the sheer 'wtf'-ness of them. Making out with Liz, for instance, goes on that list, mostly because I have no idea if it happened before or after the 2009-2010 switch. Also Shawn, because I don't even know how that happened.

33) Which season was the best?
Salt. Never lets me down.

34) How many nights out of 365 days did you not remember?
252 of them.

35) If you could would you redo the whole year?
Haven't you seen the Butterfly Effect? I'm not chancing that shit.

**In the Year 2010**

1. What do you hope to accomplish?
Getting the balls out of HH

2. How old will you be turning?.
Don't remind me.

3. What are you looking forward to most this year?
Right now, a new season of Lost. Can I get at least ONE answer to my 252152872654 questons? Just one. Please.

4. Any last thoughts on 2009?
Um... Word.

༺ ❀ ༻

2010-01-03T22:08:00.003-05:00

Eff.
Em.
Ell.

Well, not really, it's just been the weekend from the very pits of Hades. For starters, I had to work at 6am on Saturday. Yeah, you heard me. To make matters worse, I had been sleeping pretty much 85% of the day on Friday, so when it came time to go to bed, I couldn't, so I planned on just pulling an all-nighter. Easy plan, I was wide awake and had about 6 episodes left of Criminal Minds.

I made it to approximately 4:45am. The alarm went off 15 minutes later. Nothing like an unplanned catnap to make you even more exhausted than you need to be.

Sooooo... after work I kept attempting to make plans with Kris. And by attempt, I mean I picked up the phone and made it as far as 'create new message' and/or 'reply', and passed out. Or just blanked on words and put the phone back down. I seriously just lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. Or the phone, trying to remember how it worked. I was a zombie. A radioactive knife-throwing granny zombie, even.

So, yeah. I have not spoken to him all day today, and I got the feeling that he was getting impatient with me yesterday. Oops. Sorry Kris.

Anyshit, a New Year's re-cap, of what I can remember:
Went to work. Yay. Pretty much wanted to yoke Doogie Howser with his own nametag. He was really getting under my skin that day. But I got over it with the knowledge that there was an array of champagne, chardonnay, and vodka available for my consumption when I got home/when Liz came over. And consume I did

I was already pretty tipsy within ten minutes of one glass of wine. Probably due to chugging instead of sipping. Sipping commenced and continued by myself and Liz at Joe's place while he showered and got dressed and I did my make-up. Then it was off to for our new New Year's tradition of Suckerpunch at Macaroon's (which reminds me, we never made it anywhere near the stage to say hey to Dan. So, hey Dan!).

Began drinking immediately. The blur starts about here. I have no idea what we did there for 5 hours, I just know we were there. I do know that I am the most awesome female ever, because when I use a public restroom, especially when there are other women in line, I do not linger in the stall balancing my checkbook, or whatever the hell these bitches do in there that takes so long. Case in point: There were 90 seconds till midnight when I went to the bathroom, and I still made it back out and had both drinks back in my hand and the countdown was still at 40. Besides that, making out with Liz and publicly discussing my issues with Erik are the only things I remember at the bar. Oh, and I ran into Molly, which was just awesome, considering we met last year at Mac's. It was like coming full circle. Seriously, she's so amazing, and so gorgeous, I have no idea how we put up with the individual that we put up with. Was it really just the singing? I know Frank can bring me to my knees (and who know what I'll do while I'm down there) with his guitar playing, but was M really that good of a singer to mesmerize the common sense out of me? Or was it the alter-ego thing? Friggin rock star on stage, cuddly bear off? I dunno. Weird. Haha, one last thing I remember about the night was the guy next to us that I kept bumping into because balance eluded me, he was cool about it, but his friend was being such a douchenozzle and trying way too hard to get Liz, which was annoying, particularly considering she was making out with Joe all night (That reminds me, exactly how long after I went in the house did Liz come in? And what exactly, occurred during that timespan, or do I even want to know?).

I texted everyone at midnight, and found out some people didn't get it till almost noon, which I blame only on the fact that at least 83% of cell-phone users were also sending mass-texts to people, so the airwaves were probably paralyzed. Oh! Funniest reply came from Frank, who asked if I was drunk. I confirmed, then asked if he was coming to take advantage of me. Haha! Later on, this girl needed food, ASAP, so we went to Hillview. I would have preferred the less-greasy Forestview, but alas, Joe was the DD, and since Forestview is by his place, Hillview made more sense, as it's by my place. There was an incredibly rude patron sitting across from us, who kept commenting too loudly to his table-mate how new year's is an amateur's drinking day, and that's why he stays home (Um, hello, then why are you out, and two of the people at your table came from the same bar as us) and since we were the only drunk people in the area, it was clearly aimed at us. I was too drunk/tired/concerned about eating to reply, but seriously, does it ever occur to people that even professional drinkers might like to let go a little further on New Year's? I'm pretty sure that my birthday, New Year's, and maybe if I'm lucky, Mardi Gras are the only times I get truly blitzed. And even that doesn't happen every year.

Really wasn't sure I was gonna make it through breakfast. At one point my stomach was a little overwhelmed... and the bathroom absolutely reeked of some stank sewage or something, so that didn't help. So I just sat still at the table for a little while, feeling passed. Then we got home and I left Liz and Joe to their business while I went to bed. I think Dani called a few times, dunno if I talked to her or not, I just remember Liz coming in and I still had the phone in my hand. I woke up around 11 but Liz was still sleeping, so I went back to bed. Woke up like every hour for the next 3 or so, then we were both up, so, yeah. Poor Liz was hungover as hell, I was happy as a clam. Hehe. Sorry Liz. Well, I was starving, but other than that, happy.

Then, I pretty much just hung around in bed all day with my episodes of Criminal Minds. And if you saw in my status, I finally had a CM dream, which I was wondering when it was coming, seeing as how for the past week and a half to 2 weeks, I average 5 episodes a night (Like the SVU dreams I used to have). As far as the dream went, I'm not entirely sure of my involvement with the team, but I do know that I was tight with Prentiss, cuz I kept speed-dialing her. How I knew about this, I know not, but they were looking for an unsub who was a cop with an angel of death/hero complex (see also: the guy who shot Garcia). He was tricky, he changed his signature every time, sometimes he'd shoot, sometimes he'd stab, but either way, someone got hurt, sometimes the died, and he'd look like the first responder. So one day I get this phone call, and it's this guy I just gave my number to, and he's talking about how he's on his way to a crime scene, and for some reason, I knew it was their unsub, so I called Prentiss like 378546573 times and tried to play along with the guy, feeding his ego, all about how he was so brave to do his job and I hope he could save someone's life. Then there's a quick scenery change, and I'm standing somewhere along the trail to the Eternal Flame, but it also looks like the 'road' out to this cabin I used to go to out in Marila (I use road loosely because I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a foot trail, but no one's walkin that far if they're carrying stuff to the cabin). But if I turned around, I was inside what looked like the Boston Aquarium (maybe a subconscious need to go back to Boston?). Someone/something kept trying to throw me into the whale pool (which they don't even have in Boston, not that I recall seeing) but I got all squirrelly and kept escaping from their hold before they could toss me in. Then Prentiss, Morgan, Reid, and I think Rossi were there, and before we could run away, this dude, looking like a mad scientist, kicks down a side door in the lobby, wields what was either an Uzi or the chain gun from Zombie Apocalypse, and demands I go with him. Somehow Morgan manages to come with me, and then we're sitting on this bench, if you will, that is moving in circles around the room. Think the UFO at Darien Lake, but instead of being locked in a cage while circumnavigating the room, you're merely sitting on a chunk of bleachers. The crazy gun-toting guy is reciting poetry, and then asked me of I liked it (Hitchhikers Guide?). Morgan coached me to say I hated it, because this guy was an approval-seeker, and would keep trying to get better, thus giving us more time to figure out what the hell to do. Then I decide that when this moving bench gets close to the guy (it's moving in an elliptical pattern, by the way, not circular), I'm going to stretch my leg out and kick him in the head. To do so, I need Morgan to hold onto me so I don't fall off, and he's trying to call Prentiss, so he's only holding with one hand, but I'm squeezing the life out it. So I stretched out my leg, and....

Woke up.
Why did I wake up, you ask? Because it was 5:37 and I had 8 minutes to be in my car and mobile, because I had fallen back asleep after the 5:15 alarm, and my internal clock only works at the last minute.

Which brings me back to the hell that was my Saturday. What really made that day annoying was that I was scheduled for 6am to do a job that's usually done at 12 or 4pm. Not sure why, especially when it's been established that Malibu does not do 6am shifts. Does NOT. The job is slated for a later hour due to the fact that the necessary materials are not available until later in the day. So I spent at least 3 hours of that day walking around the building trying to get enough stuff to do my damn job, at least another hour helping other people do their work because I was prevented from doing mine, and the remaing 4 struggling to get my work done on time. Thus the crash upon my return home. That job is stressful enough on my full 5 hours of sleep.

Today was a lot better. Well. Meh. Maybe a lot is saying too much. But there was some excellent teamwork happening that I appreciated. Thank you Justin, you rocked today.

In Popmundo news (yes, I am an addict, I can't help it), I have been playing for one full year now. Which is actually amazing, considering that last January I was like, "I don't understand this stupid game, fuck it," but then I gave it one more chance, and it all made sense. Now here I am, a top 2% rated Rock Superstar (top 2% sounds better than ranked #886, especially taking into consideration there are 42141 other Rock bands in the game. We should switch to Country, there're only 1441 of them. Easier to top the charts), married with two beautiful daughters. Wonderful. Hubby and I are trying for #3 (my #3, his #4) once we get off our upcoming world tour - the first one. All the others have been small. A North and South American Tour, a Western European Tour, the Asia and Eastern Europe Tour, etc. Also, the record label I started is doing quite well, we've moved up a LOT on the list of best places to record at, which is just fantastic, because a lot of money went into that. I'm currently in the process of writing interviews for all of the bands on my label, to give to the local newspaper. My character's cousin is the editor of the paper. What else? I opened a second bank account in LA, cuz that's where the other apartment is, and that's gonna be money for the kids when they get older. Okay, I've spent entirely too long talking about this game, I'm fully aware, but it's like a faster, slightly more fun (due to the fact that other people are involved), cooler version of Sims. (Which I'm going to go play in about 10 minutes)

Onto the Erik debacle. I gave both Liz and Joe strict orders not to allow me to call, text, smoke signal, or otherwise attempt contact with him. It didn't work, because at breakfast I texted him repeatedly to tell him how unhealthy he was to my soul. It kinda sucked, but... well. It needed to be done. I'm not sure what it will take for me to be a hundred thousand percent over him, if 'over him' is really the right phrase. Probably not. I've always been 'over him' (even while I was under him, haha), but this is some new shit that I'm very unfamiliar with. It makes me a little nervous. Even hanging out with Kris isn't changing (and I should probably tell him that, if he doesn't see it here first), which is really strange because I like Kris. If Erik came to me tomorrow and was like, Byrd, I'm grown up now, let's make a go of this, I wouldn't leap into his arms... but I might consider it for half a second.

Maybe I've been self-consciously avoiding Kris this weekend because of texting Erik. Creeee-peeeeee.

Well. Whatever. What's done is done. I told him how I really felt, I told him I really shouldn't see him anymore, and all he could say was 'sorry'. So, fuck him and all the other bitches he rode in on.

Now I just gotta get rid of Lewiston. Dude will NOT stop texting and calling. Seriously, when the last time I answered your call was October 22 (yeah, I just consulted the phone for confirmation), and the last text I replied to was.... who knows when, you've GOT to take the hint. The more logical part of me want to call/answer/reply and be like, leave me the fuck alone, but I'm so creeped out and disgusted by him and I can't even bring myself to do that.

I'm actually talking to Liz right now, poor thing needed a recap of New Year's Eve. Like I'm really in a position to do that. Story's full of holes. Anyway, we apparently toasted to being replacement best buds to each other. Nice. Slowly but surely, with what she remembers and what I remember, the entire night will come together. We could just ask Joe, but I can't trust him not to embellish.

Speaking of replacements, this brings me to something that comes directly from Ann Landers herself (if you don't understand the segue, you're not in the loop): "Thank-you notes must be written immediately. If you don't receive an acknowledgment within three months, phone and ask if your gift was received. If the bride and groom are embarrassed, fine. They deserve to be."

Wonder if the person that's directed to will ever get the message... People are getting upset and insulted that it's been two months already without a thank you card.

And on that note. I have some pizza rolls, another ep of Criminal Minds ahead of me, some Sims3 to be played, and sleep to be had. Ciao!

Whirlpools...

2009-11-29T05:16:00.001-05:00

I have decided that the most annoying thing in the world is being completely crazy about someone you’re supposed to hate.

And I’m not even talking about just trying to stop liking someone because you realize they’ll never like you back, oh no, I’m talking about knowing that this person does like you back, even if they’ll probably never admit it out loud, but having a pretty strong inkling that no matter what, they’re going to hurt you in some way. Knowing that the smart thing is to just stay away. The safe thing is to stay away. But that the thing that will probably make you happy is not staying away.

I’ve been talking to E for the past hour or so. It started off simple. He sent a text asking how I was, asking how work was with him and his brother gone now. Relatively safe conversation, because a few weeks ago, with the passing of one of our former co-workers, I got that sort of epiphany that most people get when they’re around death and I decided that I needed him in my life in some way, even as just a friend. Most importantly, as a friend. As I’ve said many times before, when I’m having my mini-meltdowns, drowning in my own life, he’s the only person who can reach in and find me, and pull me out of the waves to the safety of the shore of sanity. I need him around from time to time. And since this is the time of year I tend to mentally aspirate, I really need him. So when I said I wanted to be friends again, but just friends, he said that was cool.

Anyway, I digress. The conversation was tame. I mentioned how I miss having all the boys work there, how I miss cooking for them, and suggested we all get together and I’ll make my famous chicken parm. From there, the exchange became laden with double entendre, and not from me. I reeled it in, reminding him that we were just friends now. He said what I wanted was cool… but it was a shame because, well, remember the good times we had.

After that, it all just came out. Word vomit, if you will. I told him how he made me feel the last time. Every detail I’ve used to describe it to my friends, how he made me feel like a whore – not the Eliot Spitzer kind, but the back alley, torn stockings, knock on the door with the secret code kind of whore. How the only thing I could compare it to was from years ago, lying there, realizing I’d just been raped. How I don’t even know how I got home, I don’t even remember the drive. How I cried for the first time in YEARS over a guy (I never even cried about Mike, and barely shed a tear about Bill so, I hope you all see how serious this is).

He apologized, said he felt bad for me and the girlfriend. I told him feeling bad doesn’t make it better or make it go away. Oh, and I should add that I started crying when he first apologized. Maybe that’s all I needed. I needed to hear him say it. I needed him to know exactly what he had done to me, and I needed to hear his remorse. He continued to apologize, up and down, didn’t realize he had hurt me like that, if he could take it back, he would. And I believe him. It was the words he used. I can’t explain it. I told him that next time, the intelligent thing to do is the next time I text/call whatever, no matter how drunk, no matter what I say, then he has to say, I’m sorry, I can’t.

But then he fires back, telling me he’s single now, and that to be honest, he really did want to ‘blank blank blank’ (‘blank blank blank’ = something uber personal and bordering slutty that I drunkenly texted to him that night, and I’m still trying to figure out what it means that he remembers, as drunk as he was, and what it means when he says he really did want to. If you’re that curious, ask and I’ll tell), then his texts turned flirty/sexual again, and I told him flat out that yeah, down the line we’ll probably end up there again. I can’t help it. It’s all the things I mentioned in my last post, the way he’ll surprise me with some sudden voice of maturity when I need it the most, and the far more intimate things… I’ll always go back. The fact that I’ve stayed away for almost 4 months at this point, despite being practically begged three times, means at least I have the strength to put my foot down and say enough is enough. Maybe I am a fool, who knows? I told him that too, that I’m probably a sucker, but he’ll get his chance to ‘blank blank blank’.

Then I was starting to fall asleep, and there was no way to keep that conversation going so I told him I was going to bed, I would love to get everyone together and make dinner for them, and that there would be no more sexy talk until I could separate him from some dirty rapist in my head. He said he hopes that happens soon, apologized again, and said goodnight hun. And sure, I’m probably acting like some 12-year-old with her first crush by overanalyzing his use of ‘hun’, but I don’t usually get ‘hun’ out of him.

All I know is that this little chat left me both relieved and twice as confused. Am I stupid, am I like those girls I make fun of for wanting to go back? Or was this really all we needed, me to spell out for him ho insensitive and obnoxious his actions were, for him to admit guilt and realize what he did was far greater than he thought? I don’t know. I don’t know what the right move is. It’s like, I don’t know that he’s bad for me so I can’t be sure if going back is wrong or not. (Walk Away by Christina Aguilera came to mind when I we finished talking.)

I don’t know. I just… I don’t know. I like him. Hell, I love him, the way you love your friends. Sometimes I wonder if there’s more. When he was in an accident over the summer I thought maybe there was, but that went away. Could I love him? Probably. Do I want to take the risk of finding out? Dude’s got a good head on his shoulders; he won’t always be an asshole. It might take him a few years, but he’ll turn out to be the kind of guy most women don’t even realize they’re looking for. Is it really worth hanging around, waiting for that guy to fully emerge? He bobs to the surface every now and then – he’s the one with my life raft – but he’s clearly not buoyant enough yet to stay afloat.

Side note: I’m in love with all my water references today. Now I’ve got to come up with a spectacular subject line…

Another thing occurred to me just now... Am I an idiot for being as open with him as I am... admitting my feelings, admitting that I'll eventually come back... Or does that mean that there's some level of trust there I can't hide from?

So… I’m here taking suggestions or ass-kickings as needed. Please give me your advice. This is just way unfamiliar territory to me.

2009-10-24T21:44:00.002-04:00

I’m sure half the reason I’m writing this is because of delirium, seeing as how I’m sick as hell, especially because that’s the way my body rolls lately. There’s no happy medium. I’m either completely fine or I feel like I should be bedridden. I’m good to go one minute, then within five minutes I’m about to piss myself. I’m not hungry, and then ten minutes later I’m playing in the dirt while Santa Claus Jr is asking you to sponsor me for just ten little pennies a day. It’s like I can’t just be ‘okay’. I told my mom it’s because I’m old now. She just laughed, but I’m serious. I hit all the traditional milestones before most people. I was walking talking eating people food before more babies. I was reading while I was being potty trained. I was getting my braces taken off my fully developed adult teeth when half my class was still waiting for their baby teeth to fall out. I was physically capable of bearing children before my age hit double digits. In a general physical sense, I’ve been several years ahead of most people my age most of my life. Soooo…. I’m really about 60 by now.

Anyway, I digress. I came here to whine-rant-bitch about That Dude. You know the one. E.A. And I don’t mean Electronic Arts. That EA and I have been having issues since 2000 or so. This E.A. and I… It’s just a mess. Someone once asked me why I let him get away with treating me like shit for so long. But that’s the problem. He DIDN’T treat me like shit. Never, not one time (except, of course, our last ‘meeting’ where he ruined everything), did he treat me any less than the way he should have. He was an asshole, sure, I know that, I’d be lying to everyone and myself if I said he wasn’t. But I knew he was an asshole from the beginning, so it’s not like I never knew what to expect from him, but that’s just it. As much of an asshole as he was, he was just as much not an asshole. There was always that underlying nice guy. You just had to know how to find him. And I did.

We always talked about stuff. It wasn’t just random hook-ups now and then. We actually discussed things. He was always there when I needed someone to talk to. In fact, he’s one of the only people I felt safe enough to during my downward spiral last year, while also being one of the few people who reached out to catch me. He always told me he was there if I needed him, and I trusted him with that. And I always knew where we stood with each other. It wasn’t like other guys, say, Mike, where I never knew what was going on, where one night he’s hugging me, holding me, kissing my forehead, my temple, but then the next day he’s telling my friend he’s not into me and doesn’t understand why I think he is. No, E was always constant. There were no ups and downs, no back and forth bullshit, it was just him and it was just me. We had fun together.

We argued a lot, but it was usually over the most petty and ridiculous things. Like the 6-hour heated discussion over the correct spelling of “touché”, that ended when I finally got access to a dictionary. Like what color my underwear were one day (they weren’t purple, they were clearly violet). What channel is TBS (which remains unsolved because I was arguing with DirecTV standards and he was on Dish Network or something)? Most people thought that to be a sign that we didn’t get along, but I highly disagree. I think the more stupid, asinine, sibling-esque arguments you get into with someone, the more passion you have for them. (This is not, however, to be confused with drag-out fights about things like, who were you with, whose fucking panties are these in our couch, I don’t care if your mother is dying I want you to stay home. Those are fights most likely best solved by breaking up.)

The worst part about all this? There really could have been something there. Maybe not next month or even next year, but someday. He just had to grow up, and I just had to shake my commitmentphobia. After that, things could have been all good. But no. He ruined everything in August, and I’m done. No amount of growing up on his part can fix things. However, let’s face it, in a month or so from now, if he calls me, chances are I’ll have cooled off enough to give him a quick reunion, but he’s never gonna be right with me again. And that makes me sad. As picky and set in my ways as I am, finding someone who would fit is an amazing thing. He could have been it. I read somewhere that if you make a list of all the things that would turn you off a guy, and when you meet someone, if he has a bunch of things on that list but you still like him, he’s a keeper. Well, E met most of the requirements in the ‘want’ column, and had at least 2 from the ‘don’t want’ column, but I didn’t even mind. One of them was a habit I could have broken him from over time, and the other was something he recently grew out of. There you go.

But … he killed it. Whatever we could have had. Gone. Sucks to be him.

Anyway, I’m going to bed now, since I’m old and all. It’s only 9:42, but, yeah, it’s about that time. Gotta be in top shape for work and the game tomorrow. Do you know how hard it is to watch a Bills game and do work at the same time? Especially when I’m supervising at least 4 or 5 guys who I’m gonna have to make sure are doing their work?

Spynacus

2009-10-13T23:38:00.001-04:00

Spynacus on Facebook

Minor updates

2009-10-10T00:05:00.003-04:00

So, for those of you who haven't noticed... I FINALLY got around to typing up the re-write of Redemption. I apologize for any typos, I was also doing laundry and a million other things at the time, so when it came time for editing and html coding, everything started to look the same.

That's really about it. I've decided to keep this layout as a Halloween theme as well, so, yeah. I was gonna do something for September, but clearly that ship sailed, so I guess we're looking at this one for a few more weeks. I have a cute idea for November/Thanksgiving that I've toyed around with for a few years now, and I never manage to finish. But this time I have some new ideas for it, and that's always inspirational.

That's about it. I've got some more minor annoyances going on, but there's a snitch on the payroll, so I can't really discuss them now. All I'll say is that if you're involved in something that takes a lot of time to plan and organize, and one person unravels the plan with every move they make... it's really really annoying. You all know how I am when it comes to organization, so you can imagine how this would get on my nerves. It's like there was never a real plan to begin with.

And with that, I'm going to go catch up on my shows and go to bed. Well, Angels of Hellfire are on stage right now, so I gotta go see how that show's going so far before I do anything.

Oops.

2009-09-28T23:07:00.002-04:00

I realize it's been a million thousand years since I've written, so here I am. Nothing much is happening here on my end though. I've managed to turn down that guy twice, and since I knew the first time was gonna be the hardest, I was pretty proud of myself. The next one, I didn't just turn him down, I played the hell out of him, so I was exceptionally proud of that. On one hand, it makes me a little sad, because with all the other crap we went through and dealt with, I'm sure he actually cares for me, and sure, I care for him as well, but he needs to see that I'm not his toy.

Anyway... there may be a new guy on the horizon. We'll see. It's not my bugaboo, because I've lost all patience for him, but someone I've known for a little over a year and a half now, and every time we run into each other we kind of flirt around. Well, this time we kissed :) And yes, that was it. I'm not even sure how it happened. The problem now exists in the pattern of cock-blocking a certain friend of mine has, and the fact that said gentleman is part of her fiancé's circle. I can picture this being a hot mess. Guess we'll see in about six weeks.

So... my Little One wrote a book, and I'm so proud of her! Love you, Veve!

Piiiiiiiiiiiissed.

2009-08-09T16:09:00.002-04:00

So on one hand I'm insanely pissed off. On the other, a little grateful. I got a chance to see what an ultimate, quintessential douchenozzle someone could be, before I made the ingenious move of telling them how I was feeling.

Girlfriend. The idiot has a girlfriend. And waited until after the drunken texts AND the "result" of said drunken texts to inform me, by telling me his girlfriend is gonna be pissed at him because he was supposed to meet her. Maybe... just maybe, I should have been informed of this girlfriend earlier, no? He tried to apologize, but I cut him off and told him "not as sorry as you're gonna be, I guess." The ghetto in me really toyed with the idea of texting him constantly once he met up with the girlfriend. The dirtiest, nastiest texts I could think of.

Then today he texted me saying "I don't mean to be an asshole, but we can't be doing anything like that no more." Never mind we've been doing 'anything like that' for two years now, but I told him he should have told me that last night, to which he said, "but I didn't, so I'm telling you now." My reply? "Spectacular."

So I then told him maybe I should thank him, telling him that the girl in me was making me think I was having feelings out of this, but luckily this all let me know what a dumbass idea that was, and that even if he should find himself single again in the future, we shouldn't get together again even then. His smartass answer was "hence i said 'no more' ". Really? So I said, "well, hence I didn't know that's what you meant." Ugh. Such a fucking asshole.

Seriously, I really should send him a nice gift basket. Thank you for straightening me out, for not letting me waste any more time on your trifling ass. What the fuck ever.

ANYSHIT, five days from now I'll be eating at Jason's Deli in Phoenix with Amanda and Miranda. EEEE! I think I'll start with a kick-ass salad, followed by a chicken salad sangwich, a turkey bacon club, then follow it up with some fro-yo.

And then, the following night, I'm REALLY hooking up with Kellan Lutz, because I'm still pissed off and that will make me feel better.

Velvet Snow

2009-07-18T23:32:00.003-04:00

So it’s been an interesting few weeks. First, let me tell you about this dream I had. Why was I dating Eric Balfour? And if you just asked yourself “Who?”, you’re not alone. I was so unsure if that’s who it actually was that I had to look him up when I woke up. But it was definitely Eric Balfour. This was especially funny because I haven’t seen anything with him in it in years, so it’s not like I just saw him on TV and then dreamed of him, and I don’t even find him attractive. Had I dreamed of, say, Orlando Bloom for no reason, I wouldn’t even question it. Anyway, I went to a courthouse and police station type building to visit him, so it’s possible somewhere in there I was thinking about the show Conviction, which is the only thing I could remember him on without looking it up (Don’t get me wrong, he’s all over the place, confirmed by IMDb, but I couldn’t name a thing except Conviction). I walked in and everyone knew me and said hi, I walked through the police station and down a hall and into his office, where some tawdry goings-on occurred. And dude was tall as hell. I looked it up, he’s 6’2”, but he was like 7 even in the dream. He had to actually bend down to kiss me. It was weird. Anyway, enough of that.

I finally bought my tickets for Phoenix. I’m insanely excited now. Just put in for my vacation time, and I am all set. I can’t wait! Going to get my ‘hurr did’ a few days before I go. Before I leave, I have to remember to change the layout at RA. It’s inspired by a number of August events, all of which make me very happy.

Now… onto the real reason I’m here. Since I am again being “encouraged” to “settle down”, I’d like to reiterate that I’m not just going to “settle down” with just anything that moves, and it’s getting on my last nerve when you attempt blatant set-ups. STOP THAT. That reminds me, I’m considering asking a certain individual to be my date, but since I’ll be up at the head table all through dinner, I don’t want to leave him alone, so I might not. If I do go solo, if anyone – ANYONE – tries to set me up with ANY of the guests at the wedding, I will leave. If I should so choose to chat up someone, that is my business. Don’t you dare rattle off someone’s “good points”, thinking that they’re all the traits that I’m looking for, and expect to start planning the wedding.

And to further clarify, let me show you this. I started writing this for one story, about half way through I realized it works better for a different story, so I did some light editing, and once I was finished I realized that, of course, this is really my opinion more than any of my characters. Anywhatsits, this was actually a conversation, not a monologue, but I cleaned it up a bit to make it like a mini speech for the purpose of posting here (and so that you can’t tell which story it’s gonna end up in).

This is what I’ll be able to say when I do meet someone I want to “settle down” with, and until then, you all need to back the fuck up outta my face:
“Because I’m a confident, independent woman who knows exactly who she is, what she wants, and what she deserves. And with that, comes the knowledge of what I don’t want, and I will never make do with anything less just to placate the expectations of society, my family, my friends, or anyone else. Your [brother/son/father/best friend] is a strong, intelligent man, just as secure in his own skin as I am, sincere, and passionate, but never jealous. He loves and adores his family, always putting them before himself and even before me, for which I can do nothing but respect him that much more. He inspires me and he challenges me. Not one day can go by without him reminding me that I am nothing but equal to any man on this earth, while never letting me forget that I’m a woman. I love him, and I’ve waited a very long time to be able to say that about anyone. I never thought I would, but then I met him.”
(the [brother/son/father/best friend] bit is intended to protect the secrecy of the story)

And that, my friends, is that. So until that day comes, and you will know, leave me alone. It’s not like all my problems will be solved if I get married tomorrow. Will I have a new car? My bills will all be paid? I’ll be out of debt? My credit score will go up? My hair will cooperate in the summer? I’ll lose 30 pounds? Will all this happen magically overnight? If it will, I’ll talk some sucker into eloping in Niagara Falls this weekend. But no, it doesn’t annoy the shit out of me to constantly be set up. *eyeroll*

I'm so insanely exhausted right now, by the way, so I'm going to bed. I'm fully aware that it's barely 11 on a Saturday night in Buffalo, but I barely made it through this post (in fact, I'm pretty sure I dozed off twice). Gotta work with some more dummies tomorrow, so I need all the rest I can get.

Using the music, yo!

2009-07-18T23:17:00.002-04:00

Pick an artist..use their song titles to answer questions!
You can't use my artist

Pick your Artist: Kings of Leon

Are you a Male or a Female: Taper Jean Girl
Describe Yourself: Charmer
How do you feel: Day Old Blues
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: California Waiting
Your Favorite form of Transportation: Camaro
Your Best Friend is: Arizona
You and your best friends are: McFearless
What's the weather like: Cold Desert
Favorite Time of Day: Slow Night So Long
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: King of the Rodeo
What is life to you: My Party
Your last relationship: Wasted Time
Your current relationship: Happy Alone
Your fear: True Love Way
What is the best advice you have to give: Be Somebody
Thought for the day: Notion
My soul's present condition: Holy Roller Novocaine

I have an addiction to these.

2009-06-23T19:38:00.001-04:00

Okay, so this one was the best one ever!

Put your IPOD OR MP3 Player on ShuffleB. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.C. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

1. IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY? Say It Ain't So
2. WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY? Superhero Girl
3. WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL? Shot to Pieces
4. HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Did You Get My Message
5. WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE? Think Twice
6. WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO? No Strings Attached
7. WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU? Nothing Really Matters
8. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS? Heaven
9. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN? Anything and Everything
10. WHAT IS 2+2? All That Remains
11. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND? When You're Gone
13. WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU? Under Pressure
14. WHAT WILL (did?) YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING? Dancing in the Wind
15. WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Ain't No Other Man
16. WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST? Rock DJ
17. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET? 11:11 pm
18. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS? Violet
19. WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? Whatever It Takes
20. HOW WILL YOU DIE? If Only Through Heaven's Eyes
21. DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU? Shorty Get Loose
22. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE? Clockwatching
23. WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW? She Loves You
24. WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS? Plush

Get rid of that damn thing.

2009-06-23T11:21:00.002-04:00

So I guess I need to re-think things. When you immediately start freaking out about the possibility of someone being hurt, chances are you're not as casual about that person as you once thought, no?

Yesterday evening, Erik got into a motorcycle accident. When Brenda told me, my heart plummetted into my stomach. Not sank, which implies a slow but steady descent, but plummetted. Dean's mom came to get him from work and take him to the hospital, while I'm just pretending to go about my work like this doesn't affect me. It wasn't until I was staring at the microwave, crying a little and freaking out, that the truth came out, and I texted Dean to tell him he better tell me everything he knows, exactly when he finds it out, at which point he replied that his mom told him Erik was currently in and out of consciousness.

Really? How am I going to get ANY work done at this point?

I called Tara, and she kept me sane, thank God. I finished the day, got home, and then took a shower. Luckily, when I got out, I had a text waiting for me from Dean, that Erik was okay, really nothing wrong with him at all, other than scrapes, bruises, and a 'tarnished ego'. To quote directly from a few of Dean's texts (so don't mind the spelling/grammar): "he stormed outside with his iv bag demanding a cigerette and this nurse bitching at him...it was funny as hell" (to which I responsed, 'so the asshole didn't get beat out of him') and "lol...it was funny...this nurse just looked at us like 'i give up...i hate this fuck' "

So, in general, he's okay, but I dunno if I am. I said to Elonda, what, does he want me to march down to the hospital and admit I love him or something? She looked surprised, and said she didn't even know it was like that. I said, "Well shit. Neither did I." Ugh. I told him last summer to get rid of that damn bike. I don't care how hot he looks on it, he'd look hot in a pair of effin rollerblades, for Christ's sake. This time wasn't so bad, but what about next time? I can't go through this stress again.

In other news, I have no idea what to do about my new friend. King of mixed signals, I swear to God. Just when I feel like he's not into it, he says something that keeps me into it. When I give him three possible outs, basically giving him any excuse to avoid me without him actually having to say he's not interested, it appears to me that he took two of them, but then turned around with the third one, pretty much asking me to hang out. CONFUSING. Why can't guys just say what they mean?

And THEN, there's this absolutely adorable but far too young for me guy after me, and he's really just the cutest thing ever. But... almost in a pet or little brother kind of way. He's just so damn cute. He keeps calling me future wife, which is adorable, but he already kind of ruined himself this morning when he's called me 4 times already before the hour of 10am.... even though last night when I talked to him I told him I really don't wake up til 11. Oh Christ, this one's gonna be interesting.

And for a complete non seguitur, I just happened to stretch and lean back, and saw my sociology certificate, on which my name is written even fancier than on the degree, and Byrd doesn't even look like a real word. It's weird. Anyway... gotta go call this helpless puppy back before he calls again, and then go get some bloodwork done. Yay.

Love Potion № 9

2009-06-17T02:04:00.003-04:00

And I finally, FINALLY, changed the RA layout! YES! If you didn't know any better, you'd have thought I was trying to set a record for last year's half-ass layout update. You remember, the pink JC one that was just a refurb of the green & blue JC one, that I put up in like, March, and it stayed til about Christmas? Yeah, at least this one was only mid-January to mid-June. See? Progress. God... remember when I changed it every month? I used to plan them out months ahead of time too. And now... nothing.

Anyway... as mentioned in the Updates section, I'm still re-writing Redemption. I'm starting Chapter 7, and the problem now (as always) is typing it up. Grrr. Maybe I should get with the times and type directly instead of walking around with my obnoxiously organized notebook and hand-writing stuff. But then again, I'm a pen hoarder, so I gotta use the ink somewhere. Um... I'm really really really considering that it's time to give up on L&T. I think I'm just gonna post my notes on how the story ends. Which would mean more typing, but - I think I'm gonna get around that by scanning my notes and calling it a day. But yeah, that story's dead. Furthermore, the storyline, as I've said before, is entirely too personal and painful. Not to mention that I don't hang out with, talk to, or even catch a glimpse of any of those people, so the inspiration for the entire cast is nada. No buenos.

So... I made a new friend. I don't know where things will go with said friend, but I know that I am finally getting bored with the usual 'relationships' that I have. Not sure what that means. Am I getting old? Am I finally over all the bullshit baggage and ready to actually call someone a boyfriend? We'll see. It took me a few moments just to make myself type the word. *shudder* Boyfriend. Ugh. It freaks me out to even consider it. But I'm actually so 'serious' about it that I kept reeling myself in when my flirting could have gone down a different road. And then, I'm all dumbass about it. You know how when I actually like (or think I could like) someone, I get all stupid and shy? Well, yeah. That's where I am. I can give him my smartass flirting all day, but when it comes to inviting him to go out or get together - nothing. Then I have to go whining to our mutual friend to make arrangements for us to hang out. Grrrr. I'm such a girl.

Anyshizz... I'm gonna get going now. Just thought I'd leave that little tidbit for you to read, ponder, and hopefully, if you're the person who that 3rd paragraph is about, you can give me some sort of clue as to what to do next. I'm now going to watch a little Gilmore Girls... (season 2, disc 4) cuz I'm bored and occasionally during bouts of extreme boredom, I start watching series over from the beginning. It's usually GG and Sex & the City. Oh, and listen to this bullshit. My disc 5 of Supernatural season 3 - doesn't work. No season finale, no gag reel. It's all bullshit. Whatever. Ciao for now...

'The Female Survey'

2009-05-11T00:46:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm far older than I really am. So I kill some time by doing surveys that allow me to be a smartass and slightly immature.

They also give me yet another outlet to passive-agressively talk shit to people.

1)Does your Facebook password have to do with a boy? Haha, yeah, in a roundabout way

2)What's one thing a guy can do to make you like them? Be likeable. : )

3)Are you a girly girl? Definitely not

4)Big or small purse? Medium

5)Do you enjoy drama? Sometimes it can break up the monotony of any otherwise shitty week, but other than that, I wish people would grow up

6)Did you dress up on Halloween? You know it .

7)How many guys will read this just because it says "FEMALE SURVEY" Tara said it – “If even one does, please make a point of saying hey in the comments section.”

8)Can you put on mascara without opening your mouth?Yup.

9)Have you ever been called a bad influence? Yup

10)Do you think your pretty, honestly? Not especially

11)Eyeliner or mascara? If I have to pick one, eyeliner. But preferably both

12)American Eagle or Hollister? Ugh, neither

13)Heels or flats?Heels, usually

14)Skirts or jeans? Ditto to Tara - > JEANS FOR THE WIN.

15)Straight or curly hair? Well, mine is wavy, so... straight

16)hoops or dangling earings? Dangly

17)Do you prefer light or dark haired guys? The “real” answer is it doesn’t matter, but in retrospect, I seem to prefer dark hair

18)Do you have a best friend? Several of them. They are awesome. : )

19)Do you like your life? I have my moments

20)Ever walked into the guy's bathroom? You imply that I would do this by accident and not purposely. I don’t know what the hell these bitches are doing in there. Balancing their checkbooks?

21)Have you ever jumped in the pool with your clothes on? Nope

22)Have you ever not been able to get someone off your mind? : )

23)Do you ever wish you were famous? Ditto AGAIN. My life is like the freakin Enquirer. At least get the stories right before it issue goes to print-> I mean, people make up stories about me all the time. Clearly, I am worthy of having things said about me.

24)Preppy or Punk/goth? It’s sort of a blend

25)Contacts or Glasses? Contacts. In fact, as I say this, despite my eyeballs itching like crazy, I’m desperate to put my contacts back in because my glasses keep falling off

26)Good cook or take you out a lot? Cooking is pretty hot

27)Funny or Serious? Funny. Please. If there’s one thing I can’t be bothered with, it’s no sense of humor

28)Cute or Hot Guy? Mmmm.... somewhere between

29)Long or short hair? Shorter than mine, at least

30)Smoker or non-smoker? NON!!!!!

31)Tall or short. Tall. .

32)Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I consider.

33)If you ever want to live to see another day, you're forced to snort cocaine do you do it? Just one time? Or for every day I want to live?

34)When is the last time you were in a photo booth taking pictures with a friend?Last summer

35)Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided seeing them? Hahaha. “Fucking Brian’s coming.”

36)On average what do you think you cry about the most? Career frustration

37)Who was the last guy you talked to?My popmundo hubby

38)Do you think best friends can be replaced?! Not replaced so much as.... re-evaluated

39)Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life? I have ?

40)Which of your friends is the easiest to talk to?Char, Miranda, Joe, Liz

41)What friend do you tell the most to? Char, Miranda, Joe, Liz... at this point, Lindsay

42)Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Miranda

43)Where's the weirdest place you've changed clothes?nothing’s weird to me .

44)Are you going anywhere this summer? PHOENIX!!!!!!!!!

45)Are you waiting for anyone's call right now?Not right now, but yeah

46)Are you talkative? I can be

47)Are you good at hiding your feelings? Usually

48)How is life going for you right now? Sleepily

49)Do you trust people easily? There’s usually like a month-long probation.

50)Do you give out second chances easily? It depends on what you did

51)Do you smile a lot? Yes

52)Some things you're looking forward to? PHOENIX

53)How do you feel about change? I can’t even answer this because I can’t stop laughing at Tara: Annoying. I prefer bills.

54)Have you ever cried from being so mad? Usually when I get mad I cry, so... yeah

55)Last time you got a message and smiled? About 15 minute ago or something? I just got told I was the best comp buddy ever. : )

56)Have you ever regretted letting someone go? Nope. If I let them go it was for a reason

57)Do you prefer to be around people, or by yourself? What kind of mood am I in?

58)Do you believe in Happily ever after? Nope

59) Are you in love right now? In lurve. And the sooner he admits to himself that he is too, we’re all good. We’ll cross the love bridge if we come to it. Which I’m hoping we don’t

60) What are you doing today? Today is over. Thank God

Spynacus on Facebook!

2009-05-08T01:50:00.001-04:00

They're everywhere!

Spynacus's Facebook Page

Promote Your Page Too

100 Truths

2009-05-06T21:51:00.002-04:00

So this is how you know I'm truly bored. I'm not bothering to tag anyone, because I'm lazy like that. I will just give my answers while I wait for Erik to get out of work so that we can hang out for a bit before I go hang out with Joe. It will undoubtedly be a rock band day, Spynacus is incredibly out of practice.

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage = Cacaoberry Tea
2. last phone call = Miranda
3. last text message = "I wanna make cookies."
4. last song you listened to = Scream - A7X
5. last time you cried = I don't even know

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = Define 'date'
7. been cheated on = Yes
8. kissed someone & regretted it = No
9. lost someone special = Yes
10. been depressed = Yes
11. been drunk and threw up = Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Violet
13. Lavender
14. Purple

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend = Yes
16. Fallen out of love = No
17. Laughed until you cried = Yes. Laughed until I peed down at the Eternal Flame
18. Met someone who changed you = Not yet
19. Found out who your true friends were = Word
20. Found out someone was talking about you = Like I give a shit
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list = Probably

GENERAL:
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life? = 99.9%. I'm far more strict with my added friends here than the Space
23. How many kids do you want to have? = 4
24. Do you have any pets? = Dustbunnies
25. Do you want to change your name? = Just the spelling
26. What did you do for your last birthday? = Went downtown and met the girls from Scotland, the following week did Macaroon's culminating in the blast at Joe's as a joint effort to celebrate my, Joe's and Mike's bdays.
27. What time did you wake up today? = 10:00, 10:15, 10:30, 10:45, 11:00, and eventually actually getting out of bed at 11:15
28. What were you doing at midnight last night? = Heading home from the movies.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for = TwiCon
30. Last time you saw your Mother = an hour ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = my tax bracket
32. What are you listening to right now? = previews for next week's Lost
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? = yup.
34. What's getting on your nerves right now? = Way too many things to mention
35. Most visited webpage = mine, Popmundo
37. Nicknames = Mel, Malibu, AJ
38. Relationship Status = Single & determined to stay that way
39. Zodiac sign = Virgo, Libra
40. Male or female? = Ask Erik
41. Elementary? - OLBS
42. Middle School = N/A
43. High school/College = Lancaster HS, University at Buffalo, ECC
44. Hair colour = dark brown, and according to my mom, looked purple in the sun
45. Long or short = medium
46. Height = 5'6"
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = Mr. Kellan Lutz.
48: What do you like about yourself? = All of it
49. Piercings = Ears
50. Tattoos = 8 and 2 more to go
51. Righty or lefty = Righty

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = Something about my vocal cords when I was like, 3
53. First piercing = 9 yrs old, ears
54. First best friend = Jill Sutton
55. First sport you joined = Basketball
56. First vacation= Summers at Rainbow Lake in Ellicottville. Well, then it was Jellystone Park, complete with daily ride-bys of Yogi and Boo-Boo
58. First pair of trainers = Trainers? Really?

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating = Nada
60. Drinking = Strawberry melon tropicana
61. I'm about to = Get dressed and go to Erik's.
62. Listening to = The Unusuals
63. Waiting on = this to be over

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? Yes
65. Get Married? Not so much
66. Career? Band manager, PR person

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes = Who we talkin' about?
68. Hugs or kisses = Kisses
69. Shorter or taller = Taller
70. Older or Younger = Younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous = Spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Arms
73. Sensitive or loud = Little of both
74. Hook-up or relationship = Hook-up
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = Trouble Maker

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = Yup
77. Drank hard liquor = Yes
78. Lost glasses/contacts = Surprisingly, nope
79. Sex on first date = Then it's not officially a date : )
80. Broken someone's heart = : )
81. Had your own heartroken = Yes
82. Been arrested = : )
83. Turned someone down = Yes
84. Cried when someone died = Yes
85. Fallen for a friend? = Yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = Yes
87. Miracles = No
88. Love at first sight = No, but with any luck it'll work in Phoenix
89. Heaven = Maybe
90. Santa Claus = Eh...
91. Kiss on the first date = Yes
92. Angels = Maybe

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
93. Had more than one bf/gf? = At a time?
95. Did you sing today? = As a matter of fact, a lot
96. Ever cheated on somebody?= Nope
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? = "I'd go back to the time my parents were having sex to have me. I'd smack my dad on the ass and go, 'I'm from the future I'm your daughter!' "
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = Any day of the cruise. In fact, the Mexico day. So I could drink MORE
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = No, I just avoid it
100. Posting this as 100 truths? = Sure....

❦ Wooo!

2009-04-15T22:58:00.002-04:00

So I'm coming around to Mr. Lutz. It's no longer just Kellan as Emmett that I enjoy, but Kellan himself.

Oh, and a little tidbit here, Kellan is in the 'Making of Twilight' more than he's actually in Twilight.

I just finished watching Generation Kill, and oh my God... if anyone ever made me finally like a Marine, it's him. Now I'm incessantly watching anything with him in it. I know Prom Night is finally on Starz, so it's only a matter of time before it gets to HBO. I damn sure wasn't willing to pay for that pile of shit, so I'll just wait for HBO. I've watched Accepted about a million times, just to watch him stare at naked chicks.

And now... Miranda, Amanda, and maybe Miranda's friend Kelsey, and I are going to the Twilight convention in Phoenix. I am SO retarded excited. There's a ball, and I'm like Special Ed over my dress. I swear, I look at it every day, just waiting to finally be able to order it. But there's some budgeting that needs to be considered.

Anyway, my goal there is to have Kellan fall completely in love with me. Not like that will be hard; I will simply charm his pants off - I mean, I will charm him.

Hopefully by convention time, I will have a new job. I've been on two interviews now and they both went really well, so .. fingers crossed.

My Popmundo obsession continues to grow stronger. It's insane. Y'all should join me in the game. I just got married, my band is almost a headliner, I started a company, and my hubby and I are now trying for a baby. It's even more fun than the Sims sometimes, since there are other people in control too.

I'm already plotting for Bills training camp. Erin, we still going? Poz might be off my radar right now, half-naked pictures of Mr. Lutz are sort of distracting... but I'm sure once we head to camp and I see Mr. Posluszny in his little shorts, I'll be right back there.

What else am I up to? I don't even know. Just killing time right now, pretty much. It's boring. I should go now, anyway, gotta go check Popmundo. My company is bidding on a new building, I gotta get my last bids in. Ciao for now.

Job Hunting Sucks

2009-03-24T16:29:00.002-04:00

I hate this job market and economic situation. Looks like I'm not gonna be able to bail on April 11 like I planned. New quitting date: May 2. Let's hope I get something by then.

Other than that, in writing news, I've been getting a bunch of feedback for BMW, which certainly makes me happy. I just have no idea when that's gonna be updated. Right now my #1 priority is getting a new job. Wish me luck.

I got Twilight this weekend. No more raggedy bootleg version! Yeah, that's right, after the 4 viewings in Phoenix, when I got home I found a bootleg online, and I've watched it almost every night. It's heinously green-tinged, and the sound is like half a second behind. It's not that obvious all the time, especially considering when I watch it I'm usually half-asleep. The only part where it's 'annoying', is when Jacob and Bella are walking on the beach, and Jessica screams... Jake and Bella jump and turn, and THEN you hear the scream.

Anyway... just wanted to keep everyone "updated" on my sucking at life.

Lazy and Dumb Kids

2009-02-26T22:30:00.000-05:00

So I’ve been feeling really old lately. It mostly has to do with work and kids online. There’s no way that I, or any of my friends, were as lazy and dumb as kids these days. Seriously, some of these kids at work are really really annoying.

This girl was an extra cleaning person yesterday, and she was all like, ‘they got me cleaning stuff I ain’t never seen anyone clean.’ Uh… yeah, that’s because you’re the extra cleaning person. You’re cleaning the stuff that no one ever gets a chance to clean.

Then there’s the kid I was training a couple weeks ago, who kept begging to go on break. You work 4 hours and you barely do anything, why do you need a break? Then he’s all whining about how the job is so hard. He had to work a morning shift – a full day – and he was complaining about that. I told him it wasn’t that big of a deal, and he said ‘you don’t understand, you don’t work 8 hours.’ Um, actually, I work 8 hours everyday, as I have been for like, 8 years now – even while I was in school full time. As a matter of fact, when I was working at Kohl’s too, I worked every single day. 5 days at Kohl’s and 2 and the Hill. But I digress. He’s telling me I don’t work 8 hours, because he comes in at 4. Um, look at the schedule honey, the rest of us come in at noon. We’re on break when you come in at 4.

Ugh. Then, there’s a batch of kids online who just constantly admit to stupid things. Like not getting any sleep or doing any homework because they’re spending all their time online. Now… I don’t sleep a lot, I only need like 5 hours, but sometimes I don’t even get that, but it’s usually due to TV or a book. I have never in my life found myself failing a class because I spend too much time on a website. Not even MY website. I have once been late as hell to work because I was writing code for my website and got way too into it and lost all sense of time, but other than that, nothing like what some of these kids talk about. I just don’t get it.

Is this how people our parents’ age think about us? Is it all the changing of the times? Kids these days are more spoiled than I, and I was more spoiled than my parents? It’s ridiculous. Anyway. I just wanted to vent about that.

Am I paranoid or just negative?

2009-02-22T15:53:00.003-05:00

So for any eyes that see this and know the people in it - KEEP IT TO YOURSELF FOR NOW.

So I'm getting concerned about the way Dani's handling this wedding business. The engagement itself, the planning process, everything. I feel like she can't make any decisions on her own, I feel like she got swept up into the whole thing.

I love Cliff. He's the best boyfriend Dani's ever had, in the way that he treats her. She's like his princess. What scares me is the way she has become. I mentioned before, she's clingy. When we all used to go out and play darts, if they weren't actively throwing a dart, they were standing with their arms around each other. The bar is like the size of someone's living room, if you sneeze in the bathroom, you could spray germs on the dartboard, yet they walked each other to the bathroom and waited outside the door for each other. We're at a Seether concert and everyone's jumping around, they're holding onto each other for dear life.

And then the personal things with me. I used to invite her to Ying's every week to see Erik play, she turned me down, claiming not to like that bar. She started dating Cliff, and that's his regular bar too, and she was there constantly with him. Several times, I've asked her and she turns me down, then I go, and see her there with Cliff. I pretended not to see her. Then there was the time she was late picking me up for dinner, because she'd been on the phone with him for an hour. Then when she did pick me up, we stopped by the Shamrock because she had to go see him, making us even later... and then after dinner (which she inhaled), she went home and he went over there. So, even though he was coming over and spending the night, she still had to talk to him all that time and then go see him, inconveniencing me.

Then something I mentioned once before, when she made some condescending comment about the time Miranda and I spent with theRev, making us sound like some kind of groupies instead of a couple girls hanging out with their friends, who just happen to be in a band.

Anyway... onto the marriage thing.

In December, Dani said something to me about Cliff's friends always complaining he never has any money. She didn't understand it, because he was always paying bills on time, paying for her when they went out. The friends said, well, whenever we all go out, he never goes because he says he has no money. I said, Dani, you dumbass. He's obviously saving up for something, probably a ring. She doesn't believe me. Several days later, he does go out with the guys, gets a little drunk, and when he comes home to her house, as he's falling asleep, starts asking about jewelry. Does she like silver or gold? Rings with one stone or a bunch? Etc. She tells me, I'm like, DUH! So she says, I don't know how I feel about being engaged yet, that's a big deal, we've only been together for just under a year and a half (previous boyfriends 1 and 2 were four years each). I ask her if they've ever talked about it; she says, not seriously. I advise her to have that talk.

Christmas Eve, Cliff proposes. She says yes. I can't blame her, I imagine it's really hard to say no. But they still haven't actually talked about marriage, and she says they'll just have a long engagement, at least a year before they even start planning for a wedding.

New Years Eve, Dani informs me the wedding is in November. January 3, she tries to take me shopping for bridesmaid dresses. I talk her out of that, telling her that me and the bridesmaids all want to lose weight before the wedding, will make more sense to shop later, especially since we aren't getting dresses at like a bridal shop, where they can easily alter them. We're trying to find nice cocktail dresses at like JCPenney or something. Also, everythng that's out now is for Summer. It'll make more sense to wait for Fall stuff.

She just wanted a small wedding. 100 people, tops. It'd be mostly family, because between her and Cliff, they've kept the same close group of friends, and 6 of us are in the wedding, which narrows that down. There are probably only 15 more to go on the friends list, then the rest is family.

Now the guest list is at 200 and growing. I might also add that neither one of them can really afford this, which is why she originally wanted to wait.

Now she's booked the reception hall and all that, she found a dress - and was astounded and disgusted that it cost $600. I was like, how much do you think wedding gowns cost? You're lucky to have found something like this for 6. But I digress... now she's looking at cakes, and flowers. She's constantly sending me pics of cakes, or flower arrangements, asking which one I like. I ask her which one she likes. She'll tell me, then emphasize that she wants to know which one I like. So if I'm too tired to argue, I'll tell her, but most of the time, I just tell her, It doesn't matter which one I like, it's her wedding. If she goes with all the cakes and flowers I like, then she's having my wedding. She even asked me what her color theme should be. WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE! She was like, well I live navy, but we can do purple, because you like that. Dani. This is your wedding. My wedding, should I ever have one, will be purple themed, believe that, but this is yours. If you want navy, we'll have navy. If you like this cake, get it. It doesn't matter if I hate it, we're not even eating this one. If you want roses, have roses. I hate roses, I like lillies, that's why at my wedding, we'll have lillies, but this is your wedding. You and Cliff have to like it, not me. I'm all about giving her opinions and showing her new ideas, but at the end of the day, I want her to pick what she wants, regardless of what I like.

So... I've realized that somewhere along the line, since dating Cliff, she became a total pushover. She can't say no to anyone. She'll be at work (Verizon Customer Service Rep), and she'll be halfway out the door, ready to go home, when a Sales guy, who's in the middle of a transaction, and is scheduled to leave at the same time, will ask her to stay and finish with the customer... and she'll do it. This guy is not her boss. He has no authority over her, but she'll take off her coat and get behind the counter, and finish. And now she can't make her own decisions about her own wedding. Which concerns me is this:

I feel like she's been a pushover about the whole wedding. To go from I don't even want to be engaged yet to getting married in less than a year... it's blowing my mind. I feel like she's just giving in to whatever anyone, including Cliff, wants.

I already wrote my maid of honor speech - which I'll probably have to edit, I used damn twice, and that's another thing, all of a sudden she's all puritanical. Char, Dani, and I were at applebees once, talking about sex and stuff. No one's around us, and she asks me about this guy I hooked up with a couple years ago, but she dropped her voice all low, like we were 11 years old talking about dirty stuff, and looked around to see if anyone heard. It was like, "What about that guy *looks around* that you hooked up with from high school?"

And what sucks the most is I actually can't wait to get this wedding over with, because of the pressure it will take off me. For the past year and a half, maybe two years, the idea of giving up the friendship has been floating around in my head, but the fact that we've been friends for almost 13 years has kept me in it. However, I think I'll be of the hook after the wedding, because I've been getting the feeling that she's one of those people who thinks your spouse is the only person you're allowed to hang out with, all the time. Even if you're going out with your friends, your hubby has to come too.

Why do I think this? Because:

When Charlene got married, we were thinking of taking a road trip somewhere. Dani said, yeah, it'll be the last one we'll be able to take together. Char was like, uh, no.

Whenever Char wants to go out, just us girls, Dani's all shocked that Fred's not coming too. Um, what part of 'just us girls' isn't she getting?

When Serena and I meet up at a bar, this also surprises Dani. "Where's Mike?" With his friends at another bar. "Really?" And then on the occasions that it's Serena and Mike and me, Dani's like, "Just the three of you? That's weird."

So, I think from here on out, if Dani goes anywhere, Cliff comes too (it's already pretty much been that way), and it's gonna be that situation where no single women are allowed. It's all couples-only dinner parties from now on.

*Sigh*

So, in conclusion... am I being paranoid about her pushover ways? Should I be happy she wants my input, or am I right in telling her that it's her decision? and... Am I a bad person for looking forward to not hanging out with her after the wedding?

Lists...

2009-02-10T20:55:00.004-05:00

So I can at least cross buying another hoodie off my list. This is a new one, not originally part of my plan... here it is.

And then I bought a couple cute onesies for Jay... but I'm not gonna show them here in case Miranda looks. : )

The Bucket List... I have several things to do still
Things you have done during your lifetime.

(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
(X) Watched someone die (Occupational hazard)
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC (Hopefully soon though)
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang Karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans (Best Mardi Gras EVER)
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States alone
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Laid outside at night and admired the stars
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Ole Faithful Geyser
(X) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
( ) Been horseback riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco Trolley
(X) Been to Disneyland or Disney World
( ) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been to the top of an active volcano and seen hot lava
( ) Been in a rain forest
(X) Seen whales in the ocean
(X) Been to Niagara Falls
(X) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins (Was mad expensive, or else I would have)

Belated Christmas gifts...

2009-01-31T01:01:00.004-05:00

... to myself. I'm starting with this Team Emmett hoodie right here. I've already ordered it. The Emmett Wrestling Team is next. These are two maybes: the Monkey Man one, and then maybe, maybe maybe maybe, this Team Emmett one as well. Maybe.

By now, I think you should be able to figure out I little obsessed. I'm sorry, it has just happened that way. Very rarely do I become fixated on a fictional character, so I think I have 26 years of built up fiction-lust that's rearing it's lusty head.

Oh wait... I did have a brief Trent Lane (Jane's bro on Daria) thing. Even then I was into rock stars.

25 things.... sigh

2009-01-30T12:55:00.005-05:00

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

Oh alright, I'll do it...
1. I have the most common middle name on the planet

2. I'm the grammar and spelling gestapo. I should be looking for an editing job.

3. I'm right handed but I play most sports lefty

4. I hate cheese

5. I love macaroni & cheese. (go figure)

6. I'm a commitment phobe

7. I'm addicted to Popmundo

8. ... and the Sims. (DAMN YOU APARTMENT LIFE!!!! DAAAAMMMN YOU)

9. I swear fo' Jesus that I am actually mad that I can't run the Sims. I was on my 5th generation! Do you know how much WORK I put into that game?

10. I hate gold. Silver and platinum all the way.

11. I finally gave in and ganked this note when I saw I was tagged in like 53 of them.

12. Except for copying the code from month to month and just changing a few things, I write the code for my website from scratch.

13. I can't think of things to say so I'm basically looking at Rae's answers and applying them to my life..

14. I have no idea how tall 159 centimeters is.

15. I do however know that I am 5'5", or 5'6", depending on who measures me.

16. I already had a nephew and two nieces before Ash came along, and even though I didn't get the chance to see them grow up, they still exist, so I'm getting tired of people asking me "how does it feel to be an aunt."

17. I'm hoping Ash will take the pressure off me to hurry up and get married and have kids

18. Furthermore, I'm getting tired of being told to hurry up anyway. If it was as easy as just walking down the street, bumping into someone and going, oh, hey, let's get married, I STILL wouldn't have done it. There's no freakin time limit to getting married anyway. Get out of my freaking business.

19. I'm STILL pissed off about what that woman said to me yesterday.

20. I never wear shorts. I don't care how hot it is, I'll stick to capris. Maybe bermudas if you're lucky, and the occasional skirt

21. Dani & I have this curse that follows us: Every small local diner/establishment we discover shuts down within months of us finding it. 5 diners and a gelato place now.

22. I've been working in the same place since I was a junior in high school

23. There are 64 more days left that I can say that.

24. I use the 'reserve' function at Borders Online even when I'm just looking for one book, so that I can just walk in, go right to the checkout counter, and head right out, because if I go in and look for something, I'll spend several hundred dollars more than I actually have.

25. I just laughed until I choked because Rae had the word 'spunky' in her #25.

Rude

2009-01-29T15:58:00.003-05:00

Tell me this isn't the rudest shit you've ever heard:

I have to pick something up from the pharmacy. It wasn't ready before work, so I head out on lunch break. Substitute boss tells me it better just take half an hour. I say I hope so, I have to go down Transit, we all know Transit traffic sucks from 2pm-6pm. So she says, well maybe it's something that can wait till after work. WHAT pharmacy is open after 8? I said no, I needed it three hours ago, and it closes at 6, so no, it can't wait. WTF? What business is it of hers anyway?

Twilight story.

2009-01-28T23:16:00.002-05:00

So I decided to go ahead and write the story. Here it is: Sunset

It's currently just a short story and the end is kind of anti-climactic, which sucks cuz that's what I hated about Breaking Dawn. It MIGHT become a chapter story at some point in time, but a short one, like Dream Girl or Redemption.

Anyway, enjoy.

An idea rolling around in my head...

2009-01-27T01:54:00.004-05:00

So I kind of started this Emmett story. If I decide to finish it, it will only be a short story anyway. Tell me what you think. It's oh so slightly a sex story, but not quite up to my No Promises/ No Questions scale.

Edward and Emmett Cullen had been out on a long afternoon of hunting when suddenly Edward stopped cold, taking hold of Emmett. Confused, Emmett stopped and looked at him curiously, then closed his eyes and raised his nose in the air. “Human?” he said to Edward, not really asking.

Pausing, Edward seemed to be focusing his thoughts in one specific direction. Squinting through the trees, he said, “Not… completely. The heartbeat… it’s all wrong. Ragged breath. I can’t hear …”

Almost as if he were being pulled by a magnet, Emmett suddenly started off towards the human scent. “Wait, stop!” Edward called after him, worried that he was going to do something stupid. He used his speed to catch up to his brother. “Don’t do it.” He had heard Emmett’s thoughts: I need her. “You don’t even know it’s a female.”

Once they burst out of the trees, they found themselves in a small clearing and witnessed a dark haired female at the base of a tree. Edward watched Emmett very carefully as he approached the female. Her breathing was labored, and her heartbeat was going entirely too slow for her to even be alive. Her skin appeared pale, sunken, and slightly gray. Emmett crept closer and closer still, his eyes wild and feral. “Emmett,” Edward used as warning tone.

The woman lifted her head gingerly, her eyes meeting Emmett’s. She shifted herself up onto her elbow, her torn shirt slipping partway off her shoulder. Before Edward could even hear his thoughts and react, Emmett had sunk his teeth into the woman’s partially bare breast.

“NO! “ Edward shouted, racing to pull Emmett off the girl, but suddenly stopped. To his surprise, she moaned, but not in pain, and instead of writhing in agony, she cradled Emmett’s head in her arms. He stared in fascination as color appeared in his skin, as her face grew fuller. Slowly, Emmett began kissing the woman, his lips scarcely making contact as he moved up in a steady path to her lips, his arms going around her body.

Just a quick update...

2009-01-24T23:21:00.004-05:00

Because I'm sure no one checks the updates page, because, why should you...

Anyway, I've gotten a good start on the Redemption re-write, but I don't want to start posting anything until I'm at least up to chapter 8, just to completelyreplace what's there now. But I AM actuallyworking on it, which is impressive in and ofitself. Now, I know that I should take down the version that's already up, so as not to confuse anyone, but I want to give people at least a little something to read.

But I'm sure I'll end up just taking the whole thing down soon.

Anyway... enjoy my future lover Emmett. I have about 2 or 3 more Emmett and Emmett/Rosalie layout's coming. Emmett is my new obsession. Ironically, when I read the books the first time, like, 3 years ago, I wasn't really into any of the characters like some people are. Then on like the third run-through, right before Breaking Dawn came out, Jasper was my favorite.

Then Miranda and I saw the movie. Four times? In less than a week. Then I got the bootleg, so I have no idea how many times I seen it now... and I ♥ Emmett. Not Kellan Lutz. Emmett. Mr. Lutz is really blonde and blue eyed and he looks weird to me like that, and I only like him as Emmett. I'm going to make an attempt to watch 90210 to see how I feel, but I'm pretty sure it's just Emmett. TEN MORE MONTHS TILL NEW MOON! Except, of course, that Emmett's in it for what, like 7 pages, so about 3 seconds movie time. Oh well.

Yes, I'm aware I'm babbling about about Emmett. Because bear hugs are better. ღ

Stolen from Danni

2009-01-24T22:20:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm totally killing time here, stalling about how I don't want to go through my old posts, thinking I might just not copy then, because then this way I'm starting fresh. God knows I lost 4 years worth of posts when ujournal.org died.

So, here it is...

Rules:Go to [http://www.urbandictionary.com/] and type in your answers to the following questions.
Post the first definition it gives you.1. Name: Melissa
Melissa is a Greek name. In Greek, it means "honey bee."
In Persian, it means "red rose."
The feminine version of "Melisseus", legendary "King of Crete."
In mythology, it is the name of a princess of Crete who was changed into a bee after she learned to collect honey.

2. What is your age? 26
750ml of alcohol

3. What should you be doing? Baking
When the twilight vampires have sexual intercourse
(hahah, WHAT?)

4. What is your favorite color? Purple
Extremely potent marijuana, specifically marijuana buds that have a purple hue to them. Also accompanied by a fragant, usually fruity smell and mad perma-grin.

5. Birthplace: Buffalo, NY
A drinking city with a football problem. Buffalo is known for the overwhelming number of bars per square mile, the ever changing weather conditions, and it's diehard football and hockey fans who always believe that "this season this will be the season we go all the way!" It might have it's political havoc, an incredibly high crime rate, and a failing economy, but Buffalonians have an unexplainable bond to each other and the city. Buffalo is also widely recognized for being the biggest small town in America. Everyone knows everyone who knows everyone. This city may have it's faults but it is a great place to be during any holiday.
(Actually, our crime rate is pretty low... political havoc and failing ecomony are hand in hand though. If our former county exec hadn't stolen all our money, we'd all be fine.)

6. Month of your b-day: September
a month with a nice temperature and everything but its when school starts

7. Last person you talked to: Andy
Excessively endowed. Originally derived from the Greek, "Andreas", meaning manly.
(How grossed out am I right now? Andy is my cousin)

8. One of your nicknames: Malibu
A low alcohol content liquor that is coconut flavored. For some reason girls really like it.
(I knew that would be the first one)

9. Kind of car that your father drives: Ranger
The ultimate mini truck

10. The shoes you are (or were) wearing: Sketchers
an extreme brand of shoe designed for only the most sketchy of people for emergency use only, especially in sketchy situations or when feeling sketched out.
(I just laughed my ass off. I've never seen 'sketch' used so much at one time.)

11. The artist name of the nearest cd to you: Kings of Leon
An amazing southern rock band which is made up of 3 brothers: the drummer Nathan Followill, the lead singer Caleb Followill, and the bassist Jared Followill (sons of a Pentocostal preacher)as well as their first cousin lead gutarist Matthew Followill.They are all very young the oldest 28 and the youngest 21
(I updated ages, since that definition was written 5 years ago)

12. Where you spent your last vacation: Phoenix
The capital of the state of Arizona and 4th largest city in the United States of America.

13. Last word in the title of the last song you listened to: Pink
slang reference to the vagina

14. Name of a person that you hate: Can't say here, but I will give the definition
Name applied to a common average guy. Someone mediocre in influence and potential. Someone who hasn't gotten far in the years they have been living on this Earth. Someone judgemental yet has no credentials to back his own bravado up. This term can be applied to anyone that thinks they are better than they really are yet have nothing to show for it.
(Oh my effin God. That couldn't have nailed it any better.)

Let's see how this looks...

2009-01-24T21:04:00.005-05:00

So I might make the switch from live journal to here... I'm gonna see how I like it. I might be about to hook it up directly to the stylesheet I use, so I won't have to constantly change the settings like I do on LJ. Keep your fingers crossed.

Okay, so I can't just import a stylesheet, which sucks... BUT... I'm going to go through my LJ posts... at some point, haha, and copy/paste any of the ones I actually like.

We'll see. I don't want to post all my whiny posts. Even though I'm sure I'll have more of those to follow. I do like this though, so far... So... yeah.

She's kidding me, right?

2008-12-30T23:27:00.001-05:00

So I'm copy/pasting from an IM for part of this, forgive me if it sounds retarded.

To begin with, my friend Danielle got engaged on Christmas Eve. I told my mom, and she says, "Uh oh, everyone's getting engaged and married on you, better hurry up and find someone." To which I simply replied, "Well, if I could just go pick someone off the shelf at the grocery store, I would."

Then she said something condescending about me getting older (I'm 26 for fuck's sake), and running out of time. I just ignored that. Then she said, "You can't live here forever, so you better hurry up and get married." That, I couldn't let slide. I was like, "What is this, 1487? I live in my parents house until the right guy brings over enough sheep for me to go live with him? If I could afford it, I wouldn't be here now, and I have no intention on moving directly out of here into living with some guy. I'm going to live by myself first." (I never want to be completely dependent on a guy. I want to know that if I ever have to, I can take care of myself). She followed that with something rude, but by now I'd shut my door.

So today, my nephew was just born. (and now I copy/paste from IM).I've been sick as hell, that's why I didn't go to the hospital. So my mom gets home and i'm flipping through the pictures, and I zoom past the closeups off Lindsey all spread eagle, like "I'm just gonna skip these." My dad laughs, and my mom gets all snotty, and goes, "Are you a woman or what? Do you have a maternal bone in your body?"

I'm like, why, cuz I don't want to see other female's exploding vaginas? She gets all snippy, talking about how it's a beautiful thing, etc, etc. I'm like, okay, fine, I'm sure I see it differently when i have kids, but right now I don't need to know intimate details of Lindsey's crotch.

Then she's been nothing but nasty to me since then. I have a glass sitting on the counter because I still plan on using it the next time I get a drink, and then she's all, "What, you can't clean up after yourself?"

So she got snotty with me when Dani got engaged, snotty now because I don't want to look at Lindsey's crotch... my only theory is that she's mad at me. Is she seriously fucking mad at me because I'm not married with kids or something?

YES WE DID!

2008-11-05T00:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I have to do the high horse thing for just a minute… WHYYYYYYY is Obama automatically black? I have to know. He’s no more black than I am. But… whatever.

I have never been so excited in my life. Well, I’m sure I have been at some point, but right now can’t think of it. This is amazing. I mean, okay, I was pissed when Bush won again last time, but I was still in school, and really didn’t give a crap about the “real world”, plus there was the feeling of, well, at least he can’t run again.

But this… oh my God. McSame and Paleface were the very embodiment of so many things I’m against. Palin is just…. Awful. And if McCain whined about being compared to Bush one more time –ugh. I’m so glad the right candidate won this election.

Now, I don’t want to sound preachy, and even I can admit that there is ONE person I would have loved to have seen in this campaign, but I’ll save that for another day, but I have to wonder what kind of life people my age and younger have that supported McCain. I really do. Especially young women.

Do you want your personal choices being dictated by the government? I’ll hit the ‘hot topic’ right off the bat: abortion. Okay, no one WANTS to have an abortion, it’s no one’s first choice, but sometimes, it’s the best choice. I would rather die than be forced to have a child I know I can’t care for. As for Palin’s extreme case views. If I got pregnant as a result of being raped and was unable to get an abortion, I’d start “accidentally” falling down flights of stairs. I don’t care how ‘offensive’ other people might find that, and I’m not sorry, because that’s my opinion. Women FOUGHT for that choice in their lives and I don’t think it’s anyone’s right to take it away. All you Bible thumping freaks who say life begins at conception – if that’s the case, why can a fetus NOT survive outside the womb until about 5 or 6 months? And McCain… every single one of his policies was a carbon copy of Bush. His condescending attitude made me want to vomit. He scares me. He’s the kind of person I would be uncomfortable sitting next to in public.

I don’t know many people my age who are making 100’s of thousands of dollars a year, and those are the people McSame was seeking to protect. If you’re middle class like me and most of the people struggling, being taxed the fuck out of, while the rich just get richer, why would you want him? WHY?! Let me tell you what Joe the Plumber’s Crack said today on CNN in defense of wealthy people: “Just because I work harder than you, I should suffer?” Motherfucker, just because you make more than me, doesn’t mean you worked any harder. Matter of fact, you probably work less. It’s the broke-ass people like me working our asses off to make YOU money. And then when I lose $5,000 a year in taxes out of my $22,000/year earnings, and your rich ass pays the same $5,000 from your $100,000 a year salary, what do you call that? Just because my job pays less I should suffer further? It’s bullshit. It’s all bullshit.

Barack and Michelle Obama are normal people. He rolls up his sleeves. She wears $135 dresses from Target. John and Cindy McCain are just… ostentatious and flamboyant in their wealth. He wears $500 shoes. She wears $3,000 dressed – and then never wears them again. What the fuck. None of my relatives are barley and hops heirs and I can’t even relate to that kind of lifestyle. My family is mixed, hard-working, and intelligent. That was certainly an easy choice.

Actually, no, another point. WHY THE FUCK DOES THE FACT THAT HE’S THE COLOR OF A PAPER BAG MAKE A DIFFERENCE? I have to know.

And why is everyone so up in arms about any hints that Obama is Muslim? I have no doubt, which him having family in Africa, that he HAS has experience with the Muslim faith… but here’s the thing you ignorant fuckers: MUSLIM DOES NOT EQUAL TERRORIST! Holy fuck what is WRONG with people? I just don’t get it. Who cares? Honestly. Who cares? There’s a huge difference between a Muslim and a Muslim fundamentalist. He’s not going to abolish the 2nd amendment, he’s not going to cut the military, he’s not going to change the Constitution. As a matter of fact, he plans to stack his Cabinet with people who aren’t going to blindly agree with him (like Bush), which is a move of of Lincoln’s book, for you history buffs.

And a side note, slightly unrelated: I’m getting so annoyed with the anti-immigration sentiment in this country. Yes, it sucks that citizens are losing jobs because immigrants are willing to work for nothing. But guess what? It’s not THEIR fault, it’s the company that PAYS THEM! How the HELL do you think this country got populated in the first place? Go take another history class or something.

All I know is that we can’t take another 4 years of Bush, which is what we would have gotten with McCain. There’s no way around that. We’re currently in a pointless war that has gone on for 7 years longer than necessary. We get hit with a terrorist attack, we bomb the hell out of Afghanistan within 8 hours, we get threatened by North Korea and Iran… and then we spend 7 years in Iraq? Really. First it was the WMD – which, by the way, if they had, they were given by us – and they didn’t exist. Then it was about getting Saddam. Okay, done. Now… what’s it about? It’s about the US being a bully. Get it over with already. Just get it over with.

Now, I could get started on the local elections, but I don’t even think I can. Joe Mesi? Are you fucking kidding me? Doctors told him he couldn’t box anymore because he was one breath away from being damn near brain dead, so all of a sudden he wants to be a Senator? A SENATOR! Not even like a local mayor or anything, he wants to jump right to the Senate. I don’t even have the energy to go there. I can’t. It makes my brain cells punch each other.

On the plus side, Judge Lisa Rodwin ran unopposed, which is always a great thing. She’s tough on domestic violence, and she’s my best contact as far as jobs go, so I need her in there.

Now, I can go to bed with a great feeling of relief. 2009 is gonna be the best year ever.

Glutton for Punishment?

2008-10-07T01:23:00.000-04:00

So... I've always wondered if there's such a thing as a 'glutton for emotional punishment' and if I fell into that category... Gods knows I'm a glutton for exhaustion, seeing as how that obnoxious alarm is going off in less than 4 hours & I gotta deal with Mitch the Wonder CNA who thinks he knows my job better than I do. STAY OUT OF MY DAMN FRIDGE!

I digress. Anyway, a glutton for emotional punishment. I don't think there's anyone who exhibits this behavior (wow that felt like an intro to abnormal psych paper - and I wrote some SWEET ab-psych papers) forever, or even intentionally, but I know there are a lot of people who just... become this way.

Let's look at D, for instance. D was so in love with N, or in love with the idea of being in love with N that D just kept going back, despite the fact that N's drug use was never going to stop. D would set ultimatum after ultimatum; 'it's either me or the drugs', and every time, N would choose the drugs, but D would go nowhere, thus assuring N that D's threats were emptier than N's head.

And then there's me. Dude was exactly what I wanted, what I needed, what I'd been looking for. A year ago. Then Dude either became someone else, or revealed to me that a year ago he was an amazing actor. I still don't know. I'm still nuts about Dude, and it doesn't help that now that I've decided I'm done with him, now that I no longer look for signs, I no longer interpret words or actions, we get along better than ever. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? But this is my point. Katy Perry wrote Hot & Cold about Dude. And every other week when I would get frustrated and give up, I KNEW he would say or do something to reel me back in and that I should just ignore it, I'd let myself fall for it.

And the cycle would continue.

So now here's the thing. At one point, Dude said something to a friend of mine about how he never considered me as a girlfriend, I was always just a friend to him (which, by the way, is such bullshit, because no friend of mine has ever grabbed my ass in a bar as much as he has, or picked me up and wrapped my legs around his waist as much as he has, or kept my drink from ever being empty). Now... had I been smart, I would have taken that statement to heart, and been like, well, Dude is a tool, I'm not wasting any more time on this. But, glutton for emotional punishment... why not keep hoping that this is the day he realizes that I'm not the psychotic bitch she was and I'll actually be good for him. Today is the day. Today will definitely be the day. He'll call tonight and tell me he's been so stupid. When I see him tonight he's going to realize it. And so on and so forth.

However, I broke out of that crisis, and I'm thinking other people should do the same. He, whether intentionally or not, gave me a way out with that outright lie (okay, so while I'm done with him, I'm obviously not over it) about not having any feelings towards me. He gave me a big blinking sign indicating an exit ramp, half a mile ahead, but I stayed on the thruway.

LISTEN TO ME: LEARN FROM MY MISTAKE & FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.

While the two situations are nowhere near alike, specifically, never were the people in the upcoming situation dating, as opposed to Dude & I... I think the people involved in the forthcoming example can learn from this.

Person A likes Person B. Person B loves A to death, definitely, but clearly not in the way Person A wants. Now, Person B can argue that the friendship they feel for A is far more valuable than a fleeting romantic involvement, but I don't think A will see it that way. They'll learn eventually. I did. I'd much rather have Dude in my life as my best friend, because that's what we've become, than lose him down the road as an ex. Anyway, back to A & B. For a variety of reasons, B will never see A in the way A wants. B has been through so much in their life, experienced so much, emotionally, physically, mentally, that B is basically much older than their actual age. A...hasn't experienced anywhere near as much, thus making them seem much younger than their actual age. Now, I know age doesn't mean much, and both A & B know that, but in comparison, their age gap is magnified by their life experiences. What looks on paper to be merely a couple years difference, is more like ten when everything factors in.

This is how it was with Dude and I. But it worked out: He had things in his life that made seem much older than me. Things he'd done, things he'd tried. On the other hand, there were things I'd been through that gave me an older edge. Then we have similar experiences. Half-siblings. Sig others that we thought we wanted to marry. Being the oldest in the immediate family but being in the middle or one of the babies once all the sibs were taken into account. So in the end, we only have a couple years difference in reality and mentally.

Going back to A & B. Emotionally, mentally, B had ten some years on A. A... frankly, has little to no chance with B, and life experience is a big reason why. They get along, which is always awesome in any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, and they have interests/hobbies in common, but B has nothing to relate to A on. And it kind of gets on B's nerves when A is constantly lobbying for a spot on the roster. Or getting possessive. That part was cute for a long time, but then it reached a point where it was like who the fuck are you? B hung out with a friend of the opposite sex and A was like, you sure spend a lot of time with that person, using the tone of voice that a sig other would use to let their partner know they were jealous/uncomfortable with the amount of time they were spending with said friend of opposite sex.

The kicker being, 1. A is not a sig other. 2. B would never tolerate that kind of behavior from a sig other anyway.

Now I know I'm completely off-topic (T minus 3:15 till obnxious alarm) so let me try to get back on it...Okay: A had brought up their feelings for B many times, and B, like Dude did for me, posted exit sign after exit sign, however, while Dude's may not have been intentional for me, B's were 100% intentional for A. B would never just come right out and say to A, hey, just give it up, because B's been on the receiving end of that message and it sucks. B has never even outright broken up with anyone, they've just stopped talking to them until they got the point. So B chooses roundabout ways to get the message across, which is why they give A so many ways out.

To summarize: B needs to learn to be more direct, and A needs to get off the thruway at the next available exit and stop being a glutton for emotional punishment. Mostly because B is interested in someone, and thankfully it's not the person they've been tortured by in the past; it is someone new. This person is someone who's achieved some amazing goals and has the kind of life experience B likes. Personally, I have high hopes for B & this new person, because B needs a change. This new person will not only break B free of the same circle they've been in for years, but will expose B to new people, new things, and I would love to see B have that. They need it.

Anyshizz, I really need to go. Three hours till hell begins. BUT! I wanted to mention that today was Char's birthday. Well, technically speaking it was yesterday, but if you were with my new nephew right now, it would still be Char's birthday. That's right, I said nephew. We finally have a baby! Miranda had Jason on Saturday night. He's teeny, and I'm waiting on more pictures. I can't wait to have enough money to go visit. And speaking of Miranda, happy early birthday to her, Since her's is on Friday (just a friendly reminder for our friends who seem rather brain-washed as of late, our birthdays go: Tricia, Dawn, skip 2 weeks, me, Joe, Mike, skip a week, Char, Miranda. Don't act all surprised when I tell you we're going out for any of them next time...but that's another topic for another day). Back to the point. Happy Early Birthday to Friday birthday babies Miranda and my future hubby, Bills middle linebacker Paul Posluszny, who is extra cool not only because he shares a birthday with the rockingest chick ever, but because he's actually and intelligent Pollock (and douse the flaming now, cuz I too am a Pollock. Just not as much as my Grandma, haha), who graduated from Penn State a semester early with a degree in Finance (not the bullshit communications degree all the UB football players 'earned') and a GPA of 3.6. For Christ's sake, even my cumulative GPA after 6 years was only 3.5, and we all know how many people I managed to get through college.

Alright. I'm going for real now. Estimated sleep to be had tonight: 2 hours 34 minutes. If I can just make it till my 10:00 Starbucks run, I'll be fine (Curse you Sara, for the addiction. I even have the exact change ready. $3.37 Grrr). Or, if the Wonder CNA can't keep everyone else in line and I have a severely late day, I'll brew my own tea and break out the the blender, some lemon juice, and some sugar and MacGuyver my own damn black tea lemonade. Bitches.